


Come Back To Me

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-01 22:28:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8640595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: An accident changes Barbara's life forever





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

The phone rang and snapped me abruptly out of my daydream. In my mind’s eye, I had been making love to Barbara, and the squalling object had dragged me from my warm fantasy back to a harsh reality. I snatched the handset up and growled my name; “Lynley!”

The pen in my hand tapped out a staccato rhythm against the open folder on my desk; a rhythm that faltered and then stopped as I listened to the caller on the other end of the phone. A chill crept over my body, and I could literally feel the colour drain from my face as the words being spoken to me slowly sank in and understanding took over. I didn’t interrupt, just waited for the caller to finish passing on the information, muttered my thanks, replaced the handset, and then allowed my head to sink heavily into my hands and grief and despair take over.

A voice in my head, that sounded suspiciously like Barbara, scolded me for my self-pity, but another voice told that one to be quiet; I needed a moment to fully process what I had heard before I took action. The Barbara voice protested again, arguing that a pity poor me moment wasn’t helping anyone; and yet again the other voice told that one to shush. I shook my head, mentally telling both the voices to shut up and leave me the hell alone, before I stood, grabbed my jacket, and then headed for the door. 

As I swept through the office I made a general announcement, not caring if anyone paid attention to me or not. “I’m going out, and I’m not sure what time I will be back.”

DC Winston Nkata looked up from his computer, “what if we need to contact you?”

The response was abrupt and left no time or room for debate as it was spoken as I walked out of the door. “You can’t.”

I drove almost on autopilot, my mind filled with thoughts of what I had been told, of what I was driving towards. It still didn’t seem real, and I believed it would remain that way until I saw the situation for myself. I wished Barbara was with me, her teasing would be a balm to my tormented soul; but Barbara wasn’t with me, she couldn’t be with me.

I brought the Bristol to a standstill in the first available space, not caring if I were illegally parked or not, and wedged my police sign on the dashboard. Locking the car, I walked briskly towards the main entrance of the building.

~*~

My heart sank as I saw the familiar figure lying quietly in the hospital bed. My eyes filled with bitter tears, but I fought against letting them fall, now was not the time.

“Is she in pain?”

The doctor at my side responded. “We’re keeping her comfortable, and that includes pain relief.”

“What happened? I mean, how… how could…”

“Mr Lynley, it was an accident. This is the best place for her right now. We will look after her.”

“I want her to have the best possible care, whatever the cost, I will take care of everything.”

The doctor nodded. “Take as long as you want with her Mr Lynley, and if you have any questions then speak to one of the nursing staff and they will get in contact with me.”

I acknowledged his comment, and then walked over to the chair next to the bed. I sat down heavily, no longer fighting my tears; in fact, I welcomed them. Reaching out, I lifted the pale hand from where it lay unresponsive on the bed covers, bringing it to my cheek and nuzzling it.

“I’m here Barbara,” I murmured, “and I’m going to be here for you, however long it takes.”


	2. Chapter 2

~*~

I looked at my watch and cursed under my breath. The training course that AC Hillier had insisted that I attend had been pointless and had very little bearing on what I did in the force, and I couldn’t help but think that I was being punished for something. For three days, I had sat in a stuffy room listening to the tutor drone on about the effective use of police stop and search powers, and as the course had progressed my mind had wandered, and as usual it had wandered to one person; Tommy Lynley, my irritatingly handsome boss, unrequited love, and best friend.

We had been partnered for almost ten years, and in that time we had gone from barely tolerating each other to being so close that nothing and no one could come between us. Since Tommy’s wife Helen had been tragically killed we spent almost every waking moment together, from working cases to dining together after work. We were the most unlikely of friends; I was a working-class girl from Acton and he was the Eighth Earl of Asherton, educated at both Eton and Oxford; but somehow it just worked between us. We could rely on each other, support each other, and tell each other nearly anything.

I looked at my watch again, as if staring at it would make any difference to what it said. I was still running late. I was supposed to be meeting my friend Stuart Lafferty, the force pathologist, for a drink, but that would have to be postponed as my train wouldn’t get in on time. I pulled my phone out of my bag and began to type out a text offering Stuart my apologies and requesting a rain check. Hitting send I popped my phone back in my bag and then started to cross the road.

The car came out of nowhere, the wing mirror clipping my arm and unbalancing me. I spun around and then crumpled to the ground, the back of my head connecting soundly with the kerb. My last conscious thought, as the world faded to black, was fuck.

~*~

I was woken from my cat nap by the nurse coming in to Barbara’s room to perform her half hourly observations. I raised my head from where it had been lying on the bed next to Barbara, and I winced as my neck and back protested bitterly at the position they had been forced into.

“You should go home Mr Lynley; we will call you if Ms Havers’ condition changes.”

“Thank you, but I need to stay with her, it wouldn’t feel right if I left her.”

The nurse deferred to me and then turned her attention back to Barbara.

“How is she?” I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to know the answer to that question, but felt I had to ask it anyway.

“She’s stable, which is good.”

I could hear the silent but at the end of her reply.

“But you can’t make any promises as to if she will recover, when, or to what degree; I understand. Sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for Mr Lynley, it is only natural to want to know how your loved one is doing.”

I didn’t respond to that; I didn’t feel that I needed to.


	3. Chapter 3

~*~

Barbara had been unconscious for over a fortnight. I had been visiting her every morning before work, every evening after work, and at the weekend if I wasn’t on-call and needed. The doctors told me that she was improving, that the swelling to her brain was going down, and she was responsive to light, but as she had yet to wake up I wasn’t sure if I believed them. I wasn’t used to Barbara being so quiet, it seemed very unnatural when she usually had so much to say. I longed to hear her voice again.

I took my usual seat beside Barbara’s bed, clasping her hand in mine. I stroked her palm with my thumb, staring intently at her face as I spoke to her.

“You can’t just lie there and never talk to me again Barbara. It isn’t right, you being this quiet. You are never this quiet. I am used to you mocking me mercilessly, making fun of me and insulting me. Do you know how beautiful I think you are? Your eyes, they are definitely the windows to your soul, and I love the way you blush furiously when I catch you slyly looking at me. I think it is so cute when you say something and then realise just what it was and that yes, you did say it out loud. I’ve never told you how much I enjoy our banter, since you and I were partnered my days have been a little bit brighter. We may have had our disagreements, and I know that you think that you upset me on a regular basis, but you don’t, you really don’t. What we do, the work that we undertake, the things that we see, well it is stressful, and occasionally we erupt and lash out at the one person who isn’t the cause of our fury. I have your back Barbara, and I’ll always have your back. I’ll support you, cover you, be there for you. You will never be left out and twisting in the wind as long as I am around. In case you haven’t worked it out Barbara, I am completely and hopelessly in love with you, and if I am honest I have been for years.”

There was no response, not that I had expected there to be any. I was becoming used to talking to myself. The medical staff had told me that hearing was the last sense to go, and that people who were in comas could hear what was being said to them, but I wasn’t sure if I believed that. Still, I had nothing to lose, and so each and every visit I would sit with Barbara and unburden my heart and my soul. I occasionally worried that when she woke up she would slap me, but I would deal with that situation, if and when it arose. I was also becoming angry. Realistically I knew that these were circumstances way beyond Barbara’s control, but just as she couldn’t help her current condition, I couldn’t help my emotions.

“Come on Barbara, this is getting bloody ridiculous. If you think that I am just going to walk away from you and let you wither away, then you are mistaken. I am going to be here as long as it takes. If it takes me being here every single day from dawn until dusk, then I will be here. If I must come and nag you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week then I will be here and I will nag you until you wake up and tell me to fuck the hell off! If needs be then I will make it my life’s work to make sure that you come out of this coma and realise that I am here for you, that I need you, and that I love you.”

This time I thought I felt something, a tightening of the hand that I held so tenderly in mine.

“Barbara? Can you hear me Barbara? If you can hear me then move your hand or squeeze my fingers. Come on Barbara, you can do it, I know you can. You are the most determined and bloody minded person I know; you don’t let anything beat you. Please Barbara, for me, please.”

This time I watched as the fingers of the hand that I was holding gently flexed. I glanced up at Barbara’s face, there was no change in her expression, but I still had hope.

I stood and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. “Oh Barbara, I knew that you could do it. I knew that there was no way that you would let this beat you. I meant what I said, I love you and I am here for you. I’m not going anywhere, not even if you tell me to.”


	4. Chapter 4

~*~

I woke disorientated in a darkened room, and it took me a few seconds to realise that my mobile was ringing on my bedside table. I reached for it and answered the call.

“Lynley.”

“Mr Lynley? It’s the hospital. Ms Havers has woken up and she is asking for you.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

I ended the call and slid out of bed. With no time for a shower or a shave, I splashed my face with warm water, cleaned my teeth, dressed quickly and then headed out of the door.

~*~

I was terrified. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me; I had no idea why I was in hospital, but more than that, I couldn’t see. I hadn’t told anyone yet, I didn’t want to share that information with anyone but Tommy, but if I was asked, I couldn’t fully explain why. I just knew that I needed him with me. I knew he had been with me in the hospital, I had heard him talking to me, and when he was beside me I felt safe. I needed that feeling now.

~*~

I gently pushed open the door and crept into the room. As I approached the bed I could see that Barbara was sitting up, supported by a couple of pillows, and that her eyes, although wide open, were staring blankly and unfocusedly ahead. 

“Who’s there?” Barbara asked, her voice laced with nervousness, which was not an emotion I normally associated with her.

“It’s me, Tommy.”

Barbara held out her hand; I took it in mine and grasped it tightly.

“I’m so glad you’re awake Barbara, I have been so worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.”

I sat on the edge of the bed, and lifted Barbara’s chin so that I could look her in the eye. I was surprised that she didn’t focus on my face or return my gaze.

“Look at me Barbara.” My voice was soft, and I was treading carefully as I didn’t want to upset her, so I was alarmed to see tears running down her cheeks. “Please don’t cry Barbara, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I can’t look at you Tommy, I can’t look at anybody or anything. I don’t know what has happened to me but I can’t see.”

Her words hit me like a punch to my gut. I pulled her against my chest and gently wrapped my arms around her, feeling her tears dampen my shirt. I ran my hand up and down her back, hoping that the action would go some way to calming her. As her sobs lessened she pulled away from me, but let me keep my arms loosely around her.

“What have your doctors said to you about not being able to see?”

“I haven’t told anyone. I wanted to tell you first before I said anything. I feel safe when I am with you, and I needed you to be with me when I tell them.”

My heart broke for her just a little bit more. “Of course I will be with you; I will be with you for as long as you need me, for whatever you need. I love you Barbara, I’d do anything for you.”

I hadn’t meant to voice my feelings in quite such a manner, especially not when she was as distraught, but unfortunately my subconscious had other ideas. I was about to apologise when I realised that she was smiling.

“I know you love me Tommy, I heard you tell me that every time you came to visit me, I heard everything that you said to me, and I want you to know that I love you too; and I have done for a very long time, I just never knew you felt the same.”

I leaned forward and kissed her tenderly. It was only a brief kiss, now was not the time for anything else, but I was thrilled when she responded in kind. 

“I think it’s about time we had a conversation with one of your doctors, don’t you?”

“I suppose so, although I’m not going to be able to tell them anything helpful.”

“What do you mean?” My concern for her was back with a vengeance.

“I meant it when I said I don’t remember what happened; I don’t remember anything. I assume I have had an accident of some sort, as I doubt I booked this hospital room for my annual holiday, or volunteered to have no sight, a blinding headache and one arm trussed up like a Christmas turkey, but I don’t have a clue what has happened to me. When I first woke up, for a better way of putting it, I was terrified. Not knowing where I was, not being able to see where I was definitely didn’t help, in fact the only thing I was sure of was that I needed you; so, thank you for coming, it means a lot.”

“There’s nowhere else that I would be.”


	5. Chapter 5

While Barbara was being put through a battery of tests to try and get to the root of what was causing her blindness, I sent an email to Hillier explaining that I needed to take some leave and explaining why. I hoped that he would authorise my request even though it was at short notice, but if he didn’t then I would just resign, Barbara needed me more than I needed my job with the Met.

I was really worried about her. The fact that she couldn’t remember anything that had happened to her, added to the fact that she couldn’t see, well the whole situation panicked me, but I couldn’t let her know that. Whatever she needed I would make sure she had it, be it medical care or emotional support. Helen had once told me that I acted like a tortured adolescent in traumatic or difficult situations, and she had been right. Now was the time for that to change; I needed to grow up. This wasn’t about me and I needed to keep that firmly in the front of mind.

My train of thought was derailed by Barbara being brought back into the room. I resumed my place at her side, holding her hand so that she knew where I was and felt connected to me and reassured.

“Did you enjoy your little excursion?”

“Not really, although they did drive slower than you!”

“I don’t drive fast, it just seems that way to you because my classic goes from nought to sixty in less than three months, unlike your little tin can!”

“Okay, I’ll let you have that one; I know how precious you are about that car of yours. Did you manage to get hold of Hillier while I was gone?”

“I didn’t bother to try and call him, I’m not that much of a masochist; I just sent him an email. We’ll see what happens, but if he doesn’t want to play ball then I will just resign.”

“What?!? You can’t do that!”

“I can and I will, if I need to. It is my decision Barbara, and there’s no competition. If I had to decide between you and the job, well you would win each and every single time.”

“We didn’t discuss you quitting.”

“No, because, as I said, it is my decision. Can we please not argue about this?”

“I’ve missed arguing with you.”

“It’s hard to argue with someone when they don’t answer back.”

Barbara started chuckling. “Really? I remember you telling me once that I could pick an argument with an empty room.”

“I did, didn’t I.” I joined in with her laughter, and it felt good. We only stopped when Barbara’s doctor came into the room.

“Ms Havers, I have the results of your tests. Is it okay if we discuss them in front of Mr Lynley or would you rather we discussed them in private?”

“Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of Tommy; I would only repeat it word for word to him afterwards, so you might as well tell us both and save me the job.”

“Very well. You have something called cortical blindness. This can happen when you have blunt force trauma to the back of the head, as you did. It can be permanent, but it can also be temporary, we have no way of knowing what will happen in your case, we will need to reassess things once all the swelling on your brain has gone down. I’m sorry that I can’t tell you anything more, but that’s just the way things are. There is so much we don’t know about how the brain works, but we will monitor you and you also have the option of counselling… are you okay Ms Havers?”

I noticed tears streaming down Barbara’s face once more.

“If you could give us some time please Doctor; it is a lot of information to take in. We will talk it through together and, if we have any questions, well, we will come and find you.”

“Of course.” 

The doctor left us alone as I turned my attention fully on Barbara. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She shook her head.

“Barbara, you don’t have to deal with this on your own. I can see you’re upset so, rather than me trying to guess and end up saying the wrong thing, why don’t you talk to me.”

“You heard what the doctor just said; I might not be able to see again. Even if you do love me, why on earth would you want to tie yourself to a crazy blind woman? You should walk away while you still can; this is the last thing that you need in your life!”

“Again I think that that is something for me to decide, don’t you? I love you, and loving someone means that you share everything with them; the good times and the bad. You didn’t turn your back on me when I was trying to drown my personal demons in a sea of whiskey; you didn’t turn your back on me when I stupidly slept with Julia Oborne and was then arrested for her murder, so why on earth do you think that I would turn my back on you now and walk away? Even if I wasn’t in love with you I love you, you’re my best friend, and I hope that I’m yours, and I would never leave you to face this on your own. I am here for the duration so get used to it.”

Barbara shook her head again and then smiled at me shyly. “You’re off your bloody head, do you know that?”

I snorted, “thank you, that’s one of the nicest things you have ever said to me, my love.”

“It’s true. You’re a glutton for punishment, but I do appreciate your love and support.”

“It’s no more or less than you always give to me.”


	6. Chapter 6

It was two months before Barbara was discharged from hospital. Her sight hadn’t improved so I had managed to convince her to move in with me. There was more space in my house than her flat, although I would have moved into her flat and slept on the couch if I had needed to, and I wanted to be there to help her in any way that I could. I knew that Barbara was going to find it very difficult to ask for assistance, she was such an independent person, but I thought that even she had realised that she was going to need a helping hand until she got used to things; especially as she had allowed me, without protest, to pack all her clothes and necessities when we had stopped off at the flat on our way back to Belgravia.

Out of courtesy, I had offered her the choice of staying in the spare room or sharing my bed. Surprisingly, she had chosen to stay with me, and I had to fight the overwhelming urge to shout my joy from the rooftops of Eaton Terrace. I mentally reminded myself that I had to think about Barbara first in all of this; I had to be guided by her, unless I or the medical staff thought what she wanted would be in detriment to her well-being. I was under no illusion that we would be having regular battles over things, that was just the way we were.

I had ended up taking an extended leave of absence from work. Hillier had been surprisingly understanding, and I was grateful because I had no idea how long Barbara would need me to be by her side but, however long it was I would be there. I knew that I would have to make a decision about returning eventually, but that could wait for now. All that mattered in the present was that I had made a promise to Barbara and I intended to keep it.

~*~

I felt my way across Tommy’s kitchen to the dining table. Finding a chair, I sat down and sighed with relief. I had been living with him for two weeks, and only now was I beginning to manage to get about with stumbling or tripping over something.

“What do you want for breakfast Barbara? And before you ask, chips and a pint are not on the menu!”

I stuck my tongue out at him.

Tommy laughed at me, “oh that is such charming behaviour!”

“I’m glad I can amuse you! So, if my staple diet is not on offer then what can I have?”

“Anything reasonably healthy; fruit, cereal, non-cremated toast or, if you would rather indulge, a full cooked breakfast; that’s if you’re brave enough.”

“Why would I need to be brave? I’ve eaten your cooking before and lived to tell the tale… and what is wrong with cremated toast? I’ve heard that charcoal is very good for the digestive system!”

“With the junk you used to eat I expect your digestive system needed all the help that it could get! Now, do you want some breakfast or can the short order cook take his break?”

“I’ll have a full English please, with coffee strong enough that the spoon can stand up in it.”

“God help your arteries!” Tommy sniggered, and I couldn’t resist tormenting him even more.

“My arteries thank you for your concern, now where’s my bloody breakfast?”

~*~

Barbara was putting a brave face on her situation, and I was happy to play along with her if that was the way that she wanted to deal with things. That said, I wasn’t stupid, and I knew that before long the seriousness of things would hit her, but I would be there for that too. In the meantime, it was just a case of go with the flow.

We were going out for lunch at a quiet pub a short distance from the house. Barbara was happy to go out as long as I was with her to look after her and guide her.

“Have you fallen asleep up there Tommy? I’m starving!” Barbara’s voice wound its way up the stairs.

“No I haven’t little miss impatient,” I called back as I hurried down to her, “and when aren’t you starving?” I took her arm and we headed out of the door.

~*~

I had never thought the day would come when I would be walking arm in arm through Belgravia with Tommy. I had also never thought that the day would come when he told me that he loved me; or that I would believe him if he did. If I hadn’t heard him telling me when he wasn’t sure I could hear him, well I probably wouldn’t have, but the brutal honesty with which he had bared his soul had convinced me. I still didn’t feel worthy of him, and I wasn’t sure if that would ever change, but if he thought that I was good enough then I wasn’t going to argue.

Tommy guided me through the door to the pub, and then over to a table near the fire.

“Do you want your usual?”

“Do bears shit in the woods?”

“Barbara! Really!” Tommy spluttered, and I wished that I could see the indignant expression on his face. I laughed so hard that tears streamed down my face. He laughed with me. 

“What?” I did my best to sound sweet and innocent, which anyone knowing me would realise was impossible.

“You are incorrigible; I really cannot take you anywhere can I?”

“Of course you can. Yes, you’d have to take me back a second time to apologise, but yes, I will permit you to take me anywhere and everywhere.”

This time Tommy snorted his laughter in a most un-aristocratic way “You’re a wicked woman Barbara Havers; I do love you.”

“That’s very lucky, because I happen to love you too.”

~*~


	7. Chapter 7

I woke to sobbing coming from next to me. I rolled over and faced Barbara.

“What’s wrong my love? Are you in pain?”

She didn’t respond, so I moved closer and began to wipe away her tears with my thumbs.

“You can tell me anything and I promise that I won’t shout at you or judge you, but I can’t help you unless you tell me what is wrong.”

“What if this is as good as it gets for me? What if I can never see again? Am I going to spend the rest of my life being led about like a pet poodle, never able to go out on my own, or even be left on my own? I can’t be trusted to make toast or make a cup of tea in case I flood the house or burn it down. What use am I to anyone like this?”

I cradled her face in my hands, “I love you. It doesn’t matter to me that you can’t see, but I can understand why it matters to you, and I would never dismiss your feelings out of hand. If you want, and if you would let me arrange it, we can get you an appointment with a specialist and see what they can suggest. A second opinion can never hurt.”

“Yet again something that I have to rely on someone else for.”

“Barbara, I thought you and I were in a relationship.”

“We are!”

“Well I’ve always believed, and you can feel free to correct me if I am wrong but, people who are in a relationship do things for each other. They don’t keep score; they just love the other person for being able to help them, and they want to help in return. I’m not doing all the things I do for you because I want to own you or make you beholden to me; I’m doing them because I love you, because I love to see you smile, because I love to hear you laugh, and because you give me so much more than I deserve. You make me a better man by loving me. Let me do this for you.”

Barbara sniffed, and I wiped away her tears again.

“You are such a sweet and gentle man; I don’t know why you put up with me. Oh, I know you say that you love me, and I believe you do, but I am so horrible to you, I’m so emotional and moody.”

“And I’m not? When I bullied you into helping clear my name for Julia’s murder I treated you like dirt. I shouted at you, I took my temper out on you. And I did it before that too; when Helen was with Rhys; when Helen was pregnant, the list of my bad behaviour goes on and on. I was horrible to you and you just took it.”

“Because you needed an outlet; and it was better that you took it out on me than on someone who wouldn’t be so understanding… oh.”

“Exactly.” I kissed her tenderly. “The penny drops.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For ignoring the pity poor me diatribe and being practical and loving, for just being you.”

“I never noticed that there was a pity poor me diatribe; just you battling with frustration because your life has changed so drastically and you are still trying to navigate your way through it; if you pardon my poor turn of phrase. I’m not going anywhere Barbara; and I am going to keep on telling you that until you finally believe me. It took me far too long to realise that I was in love with you, and now that I have I am going to treasure you and that love for as long as I possibly can. If that’s all right with you?”

“It most definitely is.”

Barbara moved closer to me and ran her hand down my chest until she reached my groin. My breath caught as her hand stroked me. Despite living together, sharing a bed, and sleeping naked, we had yet to make love, but from her actions I assumed that we were heading that way now.

“Are you sure Barbara?”

She nodded, and then kissed me again. “I am more than sure. I’ve waited far too long to feel you inside of me; please don’t make me wait any longer Tommy.”

I reached for her, cradling one of her breasts in my hand, stroking it and caressing her nipple. I watched her face, she bit her bottom lip and then sighed deeply.

“Do you like that?”

Again, she nodded. I lowered my head and caught her nipple between my teeth and tugged on it, suckling hard, before turning my attention to her other breast and giving it the same consideration. Barbara laced her fingers through my hair, cradling my head against her.

“Oh God Tommy!”

I moved away from her chest and kissed my way down her body, pausing when I reached the raised white scar on her abdomen; just the sight of it reminded me how close I had come to losing her, of how important she was in my life, of how much she had meant to me for so very long.

“Tommy?”

There was a query in her voice. I moved back up her body until our faces were level.

“I’m sorry my love, it was just, seeing your scar, it took me back to the day you were shot by Grace Finnegan. I couldn’t have coped if I had lost you; I don’t think that I would have ever recovered if you had died, if I didn’t have you in my...”

The rest of my sentence got caught in the back of my throat as Barbara leaned forward and, gently taking my face in her hands, began to trace its contours. I hardly dared breathe as her fingers mapped out my lips, nose, cheeks and brows. She ran her fingers through my hair, and then gently traced my ears with her fingers, before finally running her hands gently over my shoulders, bringing them to rest on my arms.

“I loved you from almost the first time I saw you, but I didn’t fall in love with you until you repainted my parents’ house.”

“You hated me for that.”

“I didn’t hate you; I just had trouble accepting that anyone would want to help me, especially you. I’ve told you what my life was like, and you know how prickly and defensive I was back then. Knowing you has changed me; being friends with you has changed me; loving you has changed me; hopefully for the better.”

Barbara slid down my body until my erect manhood brushed against her swollen nether lips. “Say the words Tommy, tell me where you want to be.”

I lifted her hips slightly, which enabled me to slide home. We both hissed at the feeling of completion that washed over us. “I am where I want to be, I’m home.”


	8. Chapter 8

Three hours later we lay exhausted, our limbs entwined, my head on his chest listening to his heart beating steadily beneath my ear. I was content, a word I never thought would apply to me, and I was happy. I hoped Tommy was too.

“How did I ever get this lucky?”

“Just by being you. I love you so much Tommy.”

“I love you too Barbara. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? Do you have any idea what just looking at you does to me? And when I touch you, it’s as if time ceases to exist. I could touch you forever. I will never grow tired of feeling your skin as it yields beneath my fingertips. I love your stomach, the way it gently curves; and I love your breasts, the way your nipples react when I suck on them, the way they swell when I turn you on. I love everything about you, you complete me. Without you I am nothing. Everything that I thought I knew to be true has been turned completely on its head, and everything that I believed that I would never experience in my life has come to me. You are the most important thing in the world to me, and nothing will ever come before you or take your place.”

The things that Tommy was saying to me were making me want to cry, but not from sadness, from joy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would have laid back on a bed, completely exposed and listen to a man tell me about all the parts of my body that he worshipped; and I would certainly have never let him explore me with his hands, tongue, mouth and eyes. But then Tommy wasn’t just any man; he was my soulmate, my second self, and I believed everything that he said, and that was why I wasn’t trying to bury myself under the covers or wrap my robe tightly around me. Tommy was the only person I would allow to see me like this. He could see right through me, neither clothes nor bedding would shelter me from his gaze; and I loved it.

~*~

We spent the rest of the night alternating between making love, talking, and dozing in each other’s arms. We both knew that we should try and get some proper sleep, but neither of us could bring ourselves to care. What we were sharing was far too important and far too precious. We had been keeping our love for each other secret for such a very long time, and now that we had admitted it to each other, now we had finally given in to our desires, well we weren’t going to let anything or anyone get in our way.

It was five in the morning and we were making love again. We had alternated between slow and tender and base and animalistic, each time we reaffirmed our commitment to each other and our relationship. This time our hands were linked together as I moved unhurriedly inside of her, my pace slow and steady and all consuming. I felt worshipped and adored.

With each thrust we grew closer and closer to completion. Sweat beaded on my brow, the muscles in my arms cording with exertion. With a final deep thrust I came, a guttural growl erupting from my lips at the same time, but I didn’t neglect Barbara. Freeing one of my hands, I slid it down our sweat slicked bodies to where we were intimately joined and stroked her clit. It only took a few brushes of my fingers before she tumbled headlong into a climax of her own. Exhausted, I collapsed on top of her and she welcomed my weight, wrapping her legs and arms around me and holding me close, keeping me deep inside her.

“I love you Tommy, and I want you to know that I wouldn’t change one minute of the time we have spent together. This night, making love with you, talking to you, being held by you and loved by you; this is the happiest and the most content that I have ever felt. You loving me like this, I never thought that it was possible for someone to love me this way, so thank you.”

“I love you too Barbara, and everything you said goes for me too. I have been looking for a love like this all my life and yet it was there, right under my nose, and I was too stupid to see it, or perhaps I was too scared to admit it. All this time I have had a hole in my heart that only you could fill. I have been so lonely, but I had resigned myself to being incomplete for the rest of my days because I didn’t think you would ever love me, but when you told me that you did, I knew that I wanted and needed you, and that nothing else mattered but you and our love for each other.”

She slid her arms around my neck and I brought my head up for a kiss. Her tongue requested entry to my mouth and I opened it willingly, my tongue meeting hers, duelling with it lazily. She began to thrust her hips, clenching her pelvic muscles, massaging and manipulating my cock; I could feel it hardening inside of her, and I began to meet her thrusts when we broke our kiss for air. What started as leisurely soon became something more intense. She gripped my arms as I pounded her into the mattress, writhing with pleasure as we both fell headlong into completion. I once again collapsed on top of her and she held me close.

Ten minutes later I rolled off of Barbara, but took her with me so that she was cradled in my arms against my chest. She nestled closely, her head resting on my shoulder. We just lay there, listening to each other’s heartbeat, not wanting to be the person who broke the companionable silence. In the end, it was Barbara who spoke first.

“I’m sorry to shatter the moment Tommy, but I really need to use the bathroom.”

I laughed, the comment was so typically Barbara, but I wasn’t offended. I slid out of bed and then helped her up. Barbara slipped her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder.

“After you’ve used the facilities, you don’t fancy joining me in the bath, do you?”

“Only if you promise to help me wash all my hard to reach places.”

“That, my love, will be my absolute pleasure.”

~*~

I was lounging on Tommy’s sofa while he prepared lunch. While I was frustrated that I couldn’t help him, I was beginning to believe him when he told me that he enjoyed being there for me and doing things for me. It was hard just sitting back, I had always been such an independent person, but I had no option now other than to get used to the limitations that my condition had placed on me, and on us. I had two choices; I could either spend every waking moment in a mood that would curdle milk, or I could accept that my life had changed, go with those changes, and make the best of the current situation. I had chosen to do that, especially as me being blind didn’t seem to hamper mine and Tommy’s relationship, in bed or out of it.

I could feel myself blush as I remembered everything we had done. I had never before been so wanton; my previous experiences couldn’t really be called relationships, and the men involved had never shown much interest in my pleasure or satisfaction, in fact I could have been a blow-up doll for all the attention they had paid me. With Tommy, it was different, so, so different.

I heard Tommy come into the lounge, “lunch is served Ma’am,” he announced, his voice softly mocking. I turned in his direction. “About bloody time too. With all the exercise I’ve had lately I’m going to waste away to nothing.”

I felt his hand on my elbow, and I let him help me stand. He pulled me close, kissing his way up my neck until his mouth was level with my ear.

“I didn’t hear you complaining.” He nuzzled the skin behind my ear, causing a shiver of pleasure to run down my spine. I slipped my arms around him.

“I would never complain; especially not when you’re so damn good at it.”

“That’s good to know, he breathed.


	9. Chapter 9

Barbara and I were on our way back from visiting the specialist. The news hadn’t been good, not that I had expected it to be if I were honest. Everything that I had read online had led me to believe that, if Barbara’s sight were going to return, it would have done so when the swelling on her brain had gone down completely. The fact that it hadn’t spoke volumes, but I had kept that knowledge to myself.

Barbara was subdued, her body turned away from me in the passenger seat, her face turned towards the window. I could only begin to imagine how difficult and frustrating this whole situation must be for her; and I wasn’t sure how I was going to help her after this setback. It didn’t change how I felt about her, nothing ever would, but whether or not she would believe that was another matter entirely. I knew that I was going to need to be patient.

I brought the Bristol to a standstill outside of the house, switched off the engine and then went around to the passenger side of the car to help her. Locking the car, I guided her through the front door, closing it behind us.

“Do you want a coffee?”

She shook her head, “I think I’ll go and have a lie down for a while, I’m exhausted.” I put my hands on her shoulders but she shuddered and brushed me off, I tried not to be offended. “I’m fine Tommy, I just need to rest.” Feeling her way along the walls, she headed up the stairs.

I threw my keys onto the hall table and then headed into the lounge. Despite my understanding, Barbara’s rejection had cut me to the quick, and the whiskey bottle was calling. I deliberately ignored it, knowing that no good would come from drowning my sorrows, they weren’t even my sorrows to drown. Instead, I paced the room, my tumultuous thoughts tormenting me. So much for not behaving like a tortured adolescent!

I wanted to rush upstairs, pull Barbara into my arms, and tell her that everything was going to be okay; only I couldn’t, and not only because she wouldn’t let me. I didn’t know that everything was going to be okay. I couldn’t throw the contents of my bank account at her and suddenly her blindness would be resolved; I only wished that I could. The only things I could do were to be there for her and not let her retreat back into her shell. I had to take this one step at a time.

I made my way upstairs and towards our bedroom. As I reached the closed door I could hear her sobbing. I paused, my fingers gripping the door handle. Barbara had made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want me, but there was no way that I could just leave her alone to her grief. Decision made, I entered the room.

She was lying in the centre of the bed, her face buried deep into a pillow that she held tightly in her arms. I quickly crossed the room and sat down beside her, a tentative hand stroking her hair.

“Don’t shut me out Barbara. I know that this is hard for you, and I know that right now your heart is breaking, but you don’t have to face this on your own. I’ve meant every word I’ve said to you; I will be here for you every step of the way; all you have to do is lean on me and tell me what you need.”

“My life, it’s over!”

I changed my position so that I was lying on the bed facing her. I continued to stroke her hair.

“The life that you had has changed, but no, it isn’t over Barbara. Things are going to be different, and they are going to take a lot of getting used to, but you will learn and you will adapt, you have already begun to do that, and you have come so far. One of the things I have always admired about you is that, no matter how many body blows you take, you always get back up and carry on fighting. So what if this time it takes you a little longer to get back on your feet? So what if you need to rely on others instead of doing everything on your own? This isn’t going to beat you Barbara, not if you don’t let it.”

“Do you still want your life to be tied to mine; knowing that the chance of me ever seeing again is less than one percent? Do you want to be forever having to lead me about and do things for me because I can’t do them for myself? Do you really want to have to be with me almost twenty-four seven because I cannot be left on my own without being a danger to myself?”

“Yes.”

“Oh Tommy, think about this seriously for a moment. How am I ever going to be what you need in life? You have responsibilities; what are your friends going to think if you turn up at a charity ball with a blind woman on your arm?”

I pressed my index finger to her lips and tried not to get angry with her. Despite the absurdity of her comments as far as I was concerned; to her, well her fears were very real, and I couldn’t just dismiss them with rage or laughter; I needed to reassure her and soothe her worries away.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I only care about you, about us. I’ve told you that you are what I need, and I mean every word. I want and need you with me, that is never going to change. Anyone I know who can’t accept that, or can’t accept you, then they are not really my friend and I have no need for them in my life. True friends would be happy that I have found someone who brightens my day, someone who gives me the strength to carry on when all I want to do is give up. I have that with you, and I hope that I give you the same in return. Your disability is just a part of you, it doesn’t define you, deep inside you are still you, you are still Barbara, you are still the woman who is my reason for getting up in the morning.”

I took the pillow from her grasp and pulled her closer to me, and I was relieved when she draped her arm over my hip.

“There is no easy fix for this my love; I only wish that there were, but what I can tell you is that I am in this for the duration. I love you with all my heart, and I am going to spend the rest of my life both telling you that and proving it to you in deeds.”

I captured her lips in a tender kiss, and was thrilled when she responded in kind.

“I’m sorry Tommy.”

“You don’t have to be sorry; you just have to promise me that you won’t give up on us.”

“I won’t; I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	10. Chapter 10

I was keeping a secret from Tommy, a secret that both thrilled and terrified me in equal measure; I was convinced that I was pregnant. I knew that I was going to have to say something to him soon, it wasn’t as if it were something that I could keep hidden from him forever, but I wanted to be sure before I said anything, and therein lay the problem. I needed to go and see our doctor, but as I couldn’t drive I couldn’t go on my own. I lamented the fact that I didn’t have any close female friends, anyone that I could pick up the phone to and ask them to give me a lift. There was Deborah St James of course; I had got to know her and Simon very well throughout the years that I had known Tommy, and both of them supported our relationship, but she was Tommy’s friend first and foremost. Still, I didn’t have any other options, I just hoped that she would be willing to help me.

I took the opportunity to call her while Tommy was in the bathroom, grateful for the voice activated dialling on my phone. I kept the conversation brief, merely asking her if she would be willing to take me shopping as I didn’t want to go buying new underwear with Tommy. She readily agreed, and said that she would be round in an hour. Another quick call secured an appointment with the doctor; there were perks to going private. Now I just had to make my excuses believable to Tommy so that I didn’t raise his suspicions.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I just called Deb and asked her if she would mind taking me shopping. I didn’t think you would want to be fitted for a bra!”

Tommy roared with laughter, “is that your way of telling me that I need to lose weight?”

I laughed with him, “you are perfect just the way you are.”

~*~

Deb helped me into the car and then got in herself.

“Right, where do you want to go?”

“I haven’t been exactly honest with you Deb; I need a favour; one I couldn’t ask of Tommy.”

“Oh, what would that be?”

“Can we just get out of Tommy’s line of sight and then I’ll tell you everything.”

“Okay.”

We drove for about five minutes before she pulled over to the side of the road. “So, what’s this all about Barbara?”

I swallowed deeply. “I think that I’m pregnant. I’ve made an appointment with the doctor but I didn’t want to ask Tommy to take me. Most women get to find out and then break the news to their partner; I want the same for Tommy and I; I want to be sure before I say anything to him. Just for once I would like us to have something normal.”

Deb hugged me. “Oh Barbara, this is brilliant news, Tommy will be thrilled. Although you do realise that we will have to go underwear shopping afterwards or he will suspect something is up when I drop you home.”

“I’m sure we can do some damage to his credit card that will be forgiven if I am correct.”

“I’m sure we can too.”

Deb sat in the waiting room while I spoke to the doctor. A couple of tests and a physical exam later and I came out of the consulting room to meet up with her. She stood and took my arm. “Are you finished?”

I smiled broadly at her. “Can we skip the shopping and go straight home? I think when I tell Tommy my news he’ll forgive me for my little white lie.”

“Of course we can Barbara; I am so pleased for both of you.”

“Thank you Deb, I’m pretty excited too.”

~*~

I saw Deb’s car pull up so I went outside to meet her and Barbara. I was a little surprised that she and Barbara appeared to have no bags with them, and even more surprised when Deb pulled Barbara into a big hug and whispered something in her ear. Barbara responded by hugging her back and laughing until she cried. I was pleased to see her so happy, but I felt as if I was missing out on something. I walked up to them and pulled Barbara back against my chest, wrapping her in my arms.

“Nothing in the shops you wanted to buy?”

Deb went to get back in the car, “call me later Barbara.”

“If I remember.” 

They both laughed again, which just reinforced my belief that there was something going on that I wasn’t yet a party to. I slid my arm through Barbara’s and led her back indoors. I took her coat and bag, hanging them in the hall, as she went through to the lounge. “Okay Barbara, what’s going on?”

She patted the seat next to her. “Come and sit down Tommy; I’ve got some news to share with you, and I hope that you’ll be as happy as I am.”

I sat down on the sofa; she felt for my hands and held onto them tightly.

“I wasn’t honest with you, but I hope when I tell you why you’ll be able to forgive me. I’m pregnant Tommy, two months, we’re going to be parents.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Tommy, I got Deb to take me to the doctor to confirm it. Most woman get to do a pregnancy test and then share the result with their partner; I couldn’t do a test so I did the next best thing. Please don’t be angry with me Tommy, I just wanted to have one thing that was normal and not influenced by my blindness.”

“Barbara, I’m not angry with you, I’m just a little stunned.”

“Don’t you want a baby with me? Do you feel I’ve tricked you into it, like Helen did?”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Is that what you think? God Barbara, no, I love you, of course I want this baby with you.”

“I don’t believe you!” She pushed away from me, stood, and tried to run from the room. I grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her back to me until she was on my lap.

“I’m sorry Barbara, I never meant to hurt you. I am thrilled about this. Having a baby with you is more than I ever dreamed of. I love you. I want you and I want our baby.”

“I thought you would be pleased.”

“I am. I know that I handled this badly Barbara, and I know that my reaction hurt you. If there was any way that I could take it back, then I would. I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you, but I am going to try. I’m an idiot Barbara, please tell me that you’ll give me a chance to put things right.”

I felt her relax into my embrace, and I rested my chin on the top of her head.

“Shall we start again?”

“Yes.”

“I’m two months pregnant Tommy, we’re going to have a baby.”

I lifted Barbara into my arms, she slid her arms around my neck and we kissed deeply.

“I am delighted Barbara. We’re going to be a family!”

“Take me to bed Tommy.”

I kissed her again, then stood and carried her up the stairs to our bedroom.

~*~

Tommy was holding me tightly in his arms, my head was pillowed on his chest, and I was stroking it with my fingers. “I know this isn’t going to be easy Tommy, but I believe that the two of us together can do just about anything.”

“I may behave like an idiot sometimes, as I proved earlier, but I will be with you, every step of the way, for the rest of our lives.”

“That sounded like a proposal.”

“It did, didn’t it.”

“Tommy!” I playfully slapped him.

“Okay, so if I said that it was a proposal, what would your response be?”

“I’d say – are you sure?”

“And if I told you that I was; what would your answer be then?”

“My answer would be yes.”


	11. Chapter 11

I held Tommy’s hand as we sat quietly in the waiting room of the private clinic he had insisted I attend to be looked after during my pregnancy. We were waiting for our first scan.

“Thank you.”

If I could have looked at him quizzically then I would. Sometimes I really missed being able to see, especially as Tommy and I had always shared an unspoken communication, saying far more with our eyes than we did with words, and I mourned deeply that that part of our relationship had gone. I resorted to asking him.

“What have I done?”

I felt him stroke my palm with his thumb. “You have included me in everything, and it means the world to me.”

I understood. “You might not be quite so thankful when I am the size of a whale and moaning that my back hurts. At least I’ve managed to avoid morning sickness so far.”

“I’d hold back your hair or give you a body massage with pleasure.”

“That’s good to know.”

“I mean it Barbara.”

“I know you do.”

Before we got too soppy our names were called. Tommy guided me into the consulting room and onto the examination bed. He continued holding my hand as the midwife chatted to us both and performed the scan. I knew when the image of our child had appeared on the screen, long before the midwife said anything, because I heard Tommy gasp and squeeze my hand tighter.

“Oh Barbara,” he sighed, and brought my hand up to his lips so that he could kiss it and then cradle it against his cheek. My hand became wet with his tears.

“Are you happy Tommy?”

“Yes.”

~*~

Barbara was sitting quietly next to me in the Bristol.

“Are you okay my love?”

“I can’t believe that we are going to Howenstow, and your mum is throwing an engagement party for us. No offence Tommy, but it didn’t exactly work out for you the last time; and your mum thought I was the florist! I feel as if we’re tempting fate here.”

“It’s not going to be the same as mine and Helen’s party. I’ve told Mother that it is family only; no big formal dinner; no attending any Nanrunnel amateur dramatic society productions, and definitely no getting involved in any murders that may happen while we are down here.”

“You say that, but I know what you are like, you just can’t help yourself. One sniff of a murder and you are like a dog with a bone!”

“I think that’s a bit unfair, especially as I haven’t so much as called the office in the last six months.”

“That’s more a fear of Hillier than anything else!”

“No, it’s because I love you, and being with you, sharing what we have, that means more to me than anything. I am still thinking about handing in my notice; if I can’t work with you then there is no reason for me to be there. Our life together is all that matters now.”

“Hillier will love that! Shame I can’t see as I would have paid good money for a front row ticket to that particular showdown.”

I pulled the Bristol to the side of the road and switched off the engine. Turning in my seat, I captured Barbara’s face in my hands and kissed her tenderly.

“Not that I am complaining, but what was that for?”

“Because I wanted to; because I love you; and because you are a very wicked woman!”

“Why? Because I would take a perverse pleasure in watching Hillier turn from red to puce and back again, spluttering his indignation as he did so? You’ve got to admit Tommy; it would be well worth the price of admission!”

“Hmmm, as much as the idea appeals to me, I think I might just put my resignation in writing and attach it to an email. I can courier all the Met property back to him and that way I could avoid the spectacle that would be Hillier and his technicolour temper tantrum.”

Barbara laughed so hard that she had to fight for breath, and I joined in with her. When we eventually calmed down, her face turned serious.

“How do you think your mum is going to react when we tell her about my eyesight, and about the baby?” Barbara had insisted that I not tell my family anything more than that we were engaged. I had respected her wishes, even if I hadn’t completely understood the motives behind them.

“It’s not really Mother’s business, so how she reacts is of little concern to me. As long as you and I are happy; well that is all that matters.”

“You’re not going to let all that stuff from the past poison things, are you? I understand that she hurt you, and I also understand why you were hurt; but you both need to move on from this.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It could be if you wanted it to. Haven’t you heard the saying that hating someone makes them important, forgiving them makes them obsolete. She’s your mother, so of course she will never be obsolete in your life, but how she hurt you, what she did? It happened such a very long time ago. I’m not saying that you have to forget about what you saw and what that did to you emotionally; but in the end, just as you said my blindness and our baby are none of her business, well that is true about her relationship with your father and Trenarrow. You’ve both been paying the price for years; her more so since Trenarrow died. Stop continually picking at the scab, be the bigger person Tommy; let it go.”

“I don’t mean to let her get to me; she just irritates me sometimes.”

“If irritating someone was just cause to hold resentment towards them for ever and a day then you and I wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes, let alone ten years!”

I chuckled at Barbara’s statement. “You have a valid point. Okay, I promise that I will do my best not to be resentful or irritable; but in return you have to promise me something. I want you to swear that you won’t ever change who you are. I don’t think any visit to Howenstow would be complete without one of your rants about the estate and how insane you must be to have let your poncy, arrogant boss talk you into accompanying him!”

“You’re lucky I love you Thomas Lynley!”

I leant over and kissed her again, “I know I am.”

~*~

I watched from the doorway as Tommy got out of the car and then hurried round to the passenger side to help Barbara. There was something troubling me about the way he was fussing around her, the way he made sure that her arm was linked through his, his other hand holding hers tightly, the way he guided her towards me, leading her and protecting her. It wasn’t their obvious affection; I was delighted that they had finally found each other, but there was something not quite right in how attentive and clingy Tommy was being.

“Tommy darling; how lovely to see you and Barbara.”

Tommy leant forward and somewhat awkwardly kissed me on the cheek, all the while keeping Barbara nestled close to his side.

“It’s lovely to see you too Mother.”

“Hello Lady Asherton.”

“Call me Dorothy my dear, after all; we are almost family. Tommy, why don’t you get the bags while Barbara and I have a cup of coffee and a chat?”

“The bags can wait until later Mother, Barbara and I want to sit down and relax, it’s been a long drive.”

Again, his behaviour concerned me, but as I didn’t want an argument before either of them set foot in the house I decided to keep my worries to myself, for the time being at least. 

Tommy led Barbara into the family room, helped her sit down, then sat beside her. He held her hand tightly in this. I sat opposite them, and we made idle chit chat, but Tommy never moved from his position at her side. He passed her her coffee, held the saucer for her while she drank from the bone china cup, and then placed it back on the table before drinking any of his. I watched their interaction carefully.

Barbara leant over and whispered something in Tommy’s ear. He put his cup down, stood, and then helped her to her feet.

“If you will excuse us for a moment mother, we will be right back.”

I decided not to comment until they returned to the room and were both seated.

“Are either of you going to tell me what is going on or do I have to guess?”

“Mother!”

“Don’t ‘mother’ me Tommy. You have been glued to Barbara’s side since you got here which, even for you, is unusual behaviour, and you’re treating her as if she were made of glass.”

“Tell her Tommy.”

Tommy turned and faced Barbara, “are you sure?”

She nodded. “We discussed this.”

I waited patiently until Tommy turned his attention back to me.

“Barbara had an accident some months ago. She was crossing the road when she was clipped by a car, fell, and hit the back of her head on the kerb. She sustained permanent damage to the occipital lobe in her brain which has sadly left her with cortical blindness. She is adapting brilliantly, but still needs my help in unfamiliar places or situations.”

“Why didn’t either of you tell me?”

“That was my decision Dorothy; I asked Tommy not to. Please don’t be offended, but we had a lot of emotional minefields to negotiate; I needed to be sure that Tommy knew what he was getting into with me in this condition, even more so now we are going to have a baby.”

“You’re pregnant? Another grandchild in the family; what wonderful news!”

~*~

I was stunned at Dorothy’s reaction to my blindness and my pregnancy, but thought that perhaps she was trying to make peace too. Roddy Trenarrow’s death had been hard on her, and I wondered if it had made her sit back and reflect on her life and what she wanted from it. I wouldn’t question her actions, Tommy and I would need the family’s support, and it would be preferable not to have to fight for it.

“Barbara is three months pregnant, and the doctors are happy that everything is progressing well. We went to her twelve-week scan before we drove down here, and we have a copy of the scan for you in the car.”

“I am delighted for you both, and if there is anything you need, anything I can do for you, promise me that you will ask.”

“Of course we will Dorothy, thank you.”

“Peter and Judith will arrive later today, but Stephanie isn’t able to join us.”

“Thank you for keeping the party to just family Dorothy; I think you can appreciate why Tommy and I didn’t want a massive do.”

“It’s your engagement party; I am just pleased that you agreed to let me host it for you.”

~*~

I held Barbara in my arms, stroking her soft, warm skin as we came down from our ecstatic high.

“I will never tire of making love with you Tommy; I waited for so long for my wish to come true.”

“Me too. I used to dream about making love to you, it always seemed so real, and it was a disappointment when I would wake and find that I was alone in my bed. We wasted so much time and I am sorry for that.”

“I don’t think it was time wasted; more that it was time spent becoming the people that we needed to be. We changed each other, got to know each other, and then we fell in love. Yes, it took a while, but what we share now is something I never thought I would be lucky enough to be a part of.”

“I can’t believe that you agreed to marry me. You’ve been there through all of my dating disasters; you listened to me bitch and moan throughout my marriage; you stood there and took all of my moods and my abuse after Helen died, and then…”

She kissed me, effectively silencing me.

“We’ve been through this Tommy. I love you; I’ve loved you for such a long time, but if you feel the need to thrash this out again…”

I used the same technique to silence her as she had used on me.

“No, I don’t. But I can think of something else that I *would* like to do again.”

Barbara rolled on top of me, wriggling herself against my groin.

“Great minds think alike.”


	12. Chapter 12

Barbara and Tommy had retired to bed before Peter and Judith had arrived, and they hadn’t come down for breakfast.

Peter strolled into the room and helped himself to coffee.

“So where are the happy couple, still upstairs shagging?”

“Peter!”

“I’m only saying what you’re thinking. They’re up there making googly eyes at each other and you know it.”

His words hit me hard. It wasn’t my place to say anything, but I felt that I had to before Peter said something and offended or upset Barbara. As I was about to open my mouth Judith entered the room, so I decided to get it out of the way and tell them together. “Before Barbara comes down, there’s something you should both know.”

~*~

I decided to bring Barbara breakfast in bed, although it was more like brunch by the time I finally pulled on my robe and headed downstairs. As I went through to the kitchen I bumped into mother.

“Good morning Tommy; did you and Barbara sleep well?”

“Very, thank you Mother. I’m just going to take her breakfast.”

“Before you do, I hope you won’t be angry with me, but I have told Peter and Judith about Barbara’s accident. I didn’t want either of them to make an inappropriate remark and upset her. I haven’t told them about the baby, that is your news to share, I just didn’t want them to blunder in and ruin your party.”

“That’s not a problem. I assume Peter said something.” My relationship with my brother had improved but he still lacked a tact filter at times.

“He was just teasing about you two still being upstairs when we were at breakfast; he thought that you would be making googly eyes at each other and I felt that I should say something. It was just Peter being Peter; please don’t let this ruin the party.”

“I don’t intend to. Now, if you will excuse me, I must take Barbara something to eat before she fades away to nothingness. I will see you later Mother.”

~*~

I felt Tommy put the tray down on the bed and then climb under the covers himself. He was quiet, and that concerned me.

“Is everything okay Tommy?”

“I ran into Mother on my way to the kitchen. She has told Judith and Peter about your accident. Peter was being sarcastic about us not being at breakfast and so she felt that she ought to tell them.”

“That’s okay, it saves us having to have another awkward conversation later on. Did she tell them about the baby?”

“No, she didn’t feel that was her place.”

Tommy sounded tired. “Talk to me Tommy. I know that you and Peter have history, that was more than obvious at yours and Helen’s engagement party and the events that followed, but I thought that you were making inroads in your relationship.”

“We were, we are I suppose, but there is still a lot of issues that we have yet to resolve. It is going to take time and, in the meantime, Peter knows exactly which of my buttons to press.”

“He might know which buttons to press, but that doesn’t mean that you have to give him the reaction that he is looking for. He pressed my buttons when we first met, the way he insulted Helen and upset you, but I didn’t act on my feelings as I didn’t think your family would appreciate me ripping him apart with my bare hands and then displaying his entrails on the lawn.”

Tommy stroked my shoulder and then pressed a kiss where his fingers had been. “My little lioness; you’ve always looked out for me and protected me, even when I had done nothing to deserve it, and I’m glad that I now get the chance to do that for you too.”

“I would kill to protect you Tommy; it’s been that way pretty much since we met.”

“I guessed that much when you went for Nies in Yorkshire. No one had ever done that for me before; that’s when I knew we would be a good partnership, if we didn’t tear each other limb from limb beforehand. It’s a shame that we can’t invite Webberley to the wedding, he was the one that brought us together after all.”

“I bet he’s looking down at us and wondering what the hell he created by pairing us up. Of all the outcomes, I can guarantee you that he didn’t see this particular one coming!”

“I don’t think any of us saw it coming; but I am so happy that it did. I love you so much Barbara.”

“Well, isn’t it lucky that I love you too.”

~*~

The engagement party had gone well, with informal drinks and then an equally informal meal. My family had been very kind to Barbara, and had gone out of their way to make her feel comfortable and welcome. I had been surprised by Peter, he had been very attentive and understanding without crowding her, and I had appreciated it. We had taken the opportunity to tell Peter and Judith about the baby, and they had been as pleased as Mother at the news.

Barbara came out of the bathroom and slowly made her way to the bed. She felt her way along it and then sat down next to me. I slipped my arm around her shoulder and smiled as she leant into my embrace.

“You okay?”

“Actually, yes, I am.” I could hear the happiness in her voice. “Your family weren’t as scary as I thought they would be, and they all seem really happy about our news.”

“Why did you think that they would be scary, you’ve met them before?”

“I know, but this time was different. When I came down to Howenstow before it was as your work partner and friend, this time it was as your pregnant fiancée. I know that the class thing doesn’t matter to you anymore, and it doesn’t to me, but I didn’t want to let your family down or disappoint them; or you.” The last two words were barely a whisper.

“My love, we may have our disagreements but you have never disappointed me, and I don’t think there will ever be a time that you will. We have known each other for ten years Barbara, and we have shared some of the darkest moments in each other’s lives in that time, but each time one of us has hit rock bottom, the other has been there to hold them up and support them through to the other side. What we have, what we share, people can spend a lifetime looking for half of what we are fortunate to have found.”

“Oh Tommy," Barbara sighed.

“I mean each and every word,” I murmured as I captured her lips with mine. We sank back on the bed and soon became lost in each other.

~*~

Although Barbara and I were engaged, I still hadn’t got her a ring. I had tried to discuss what sort of ring she would like but she had brushed me off, telling me that it wasn’t important. When pressed, she had added that she knew that I loved her so she didn’t need a ring to prove it. I disagreed; I had an almost primitive need to mark her as mine, to let everyone know that she belonged to me. I wasn’t stupid enough to let her see how possessive I felt towards her, that was a sure-fire way to be on the receiving end of her temper, but I did let her know that it was important to me. In the end, she acquiesced, but said that the decision was mine and mine alone.

I had spent weeks trawling the internet for inspiration; I didn’t want to buy her anything too ostentatious that would mean she would need a crane to get it out of the box, but I also didn’t want to buy anything that wasn’t individual. It didn’t matter to me that she would never see it; it had to be right.

It was during one of my trawling the internet sessions that I finally saw the ring. It was a heart shaped diamond ring that featured six square cut emerald gemstones and a double diamond band in white gold. The emeralds reminded me of her eyes and, although she already had my heart, now I could give it to her in the literal sense too. Decided, I contacted the jeweller.

~*~

Tommy was up to something. I didn’t know what and I wasn’t especially worried, but I knew that he was planning or scheming, or possibly both.

“I thought we could have a quiet night in in front of the fire tonight.”

I smiled at him. “We nearly always have a quiet night in, tonight’s night in would be different because?”

“Because nothing, I just don’t feel like going to the pub or a restaurant. We could order a takeaway or I could cook; which would you prefer?”

“I really need to learn how to turn on the oven; not that I could produce anything remotely edible before I lost my sight, but at least I could preheat the plates or something.”

Tommy laughed, “your mind does work in mysterious ways at times my love. How did we go from deciding what to eat to you learning how to turn on the oven?”

“Well, they are sort of connected.”

“I suppose they are, but it still doesn’t answer my question regarding dinner.”

“A takeaway would be nice, although your idea of nice and mine might cause an argument.”

“Is that your way of telling me that you want to order in a pizza?”

“Only if you want to share one with me; if you fancy something else… why are you laughing?”

“Oh my love, I’m sorry, but it’s just you thinking that one pizza to share between us would be enough. You have always had a healthy appetite, but since you have been expecting little one it has increased exponentially.” Tommy stroked my baby bump affectionately.

“I can’t help it if Mini We is always hungry.” I tried to sound offended, but I knew he didn’t mean it that way.

“Mini We?”

“It’s what I call the baby. I didn’t want to refer to them as it, and I have always thought that Mini We sounded rather cute; after all, they are a part of each of us.”

Tommy pulled me to him and kissed me hard, “I think Mini We is a beautiful way of describing our baby, especially as we have decided not to find out what sex they are.” He slid down onto the floor and pulled me down with him, “I also think that perhaps dinner can wait; I suddenly have an appetite that only you can sate.”

I slid my hands under his jumper, “you say the sweetest things.”

“I mean them.”

We lay in front of the fire, our bodies slicked with sweat and our breathing heavy. Tommy reached for my left hand, and I felt him slip something onto my ring finger.

“This wasn’t how I was planning to give you your engagement ring, but I can’t think of a situation any more perfect than lying here with you after we have made love. I saw the ring online and it just spoke to me.”

I ran the fingers of my right hand over the ring, tracing its shape and design.

“Describe it to me Tommy.” My voice was laced with tears of happiness.

Tommy took my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. “It is a heart shaped diamond, surrounded by emeralds that remind me of your eyes. I gave you my heart years ago, but now you wear a symbol of it on your finger. I love you so much Barbara, I don’t know why it took me so long to realise, but I am glad I finally did.”

“I love you too Tommy, let me show you.”

Our bodies melted into each other again.


	13. Chapter 13

Barbara and I had agreed to marry before Mini We was born. Neither of us wanted a big wedding, and so we had had a registry office ceremony with Stuart and Winston as our witnesses. They were the only two people from our time at the Met that we had stayed in contact with, and they had been more than happy to help us out. A quick drink in a nearby pub followed the brief service, and then we said our goodbyes and headed home. As soon as we closed the front door we were in each other’s arms and kissing passionately. When air became an issue, I took Barbara’s hand and led her upstairs to our bedroom.

Barbara attacked my mouth with a bruising kiss, running her tongue along the seam of my lips, begging for entry. I acquiesced, opening my mouth, her tongue duelling with mine. We tore at each other’s clothes until all we had on was our underwear. Still wrapped around each other, we collapsed onto the bed.

“I should be angry with you.”

“Why?”

“I’ve had to spend all afternoon in soaking wet knickers and a body so turned on I could hardly think straight, it’s actually a miracle I managed to get my vows out!”

I slid my hand down Barbara’s body and inside her knickers, they were, as she had told me, soaking wet.

“Who’s a bad girl then?”

I curled my fingers up inside of her, stroking the front wall of her vagina as she writhed against me. She reached down inside my boxer shorts and found my swollen manhood. Wrapping her fingers around it she stroked and teased it, working me hard in her fist.

“I think you’ve been a bad boy too, if this rigid cock in my hand is anything to go by. Tell me what you want from me.”

“I want to be inside you Barbara. I want to fuck you hard and play with you until we both come screaming the other’s name. I want to come inside of you. I want to fuck you so very much.”

I freed myself through the front opening of my shorts as Barbara pulled her knickers to the side and helped me enter her. I drove myself home hard and groaned at the feeling of completion being inside her always gave me. Hardly a word was spoken as we fucked, instead we just gave ourselves over to the excitement that being together like this generated. It was divine.

I came with a guttural yell, tweaking her clit as I did to drive her over the edge with me. I slumped onto the bed, our bodies still intimately entwined, panting for breath as our hearts raced and our sweat covered skin cooled.

We both moved so that we were facing each other, and I pulled the covers up over us. She reached up for my face and traced my lips with one finger, yelping with surprise when I took it into my mouth and sucked on it hard.

“You’re a very bad boy Thomas Lynley, corrupting me like this, making me do such wicked things, such very, very wicked things.”

I released her finger and smiled. “I didn’t exactly hear you complaining a few moments ago.”

Barbara smiled broadly. “Now why on earth would I complain?”

“No reason at all.”

For a while we settled into companionable silence, content just to lie with each other, to sip little kisses from each other’s lips, to enjoy the moment. Things were still heated between us but for now we chose to ignore those feelings and just focus on being together.

“I love you Mrs Lynley, Lady Barbara Asherton.”

“I love you too Tommy, my husband.”

“My wife.”


	14. Chapter 14

I came upstairs to wake Barbara for supper. We had come in from her latest check-up and she had been so tired that I had suggested she go for a nap. She had kissed me tenderly and then headed up the stairs to bed. 

I pushed open the bedroom door and was surprised to find the bed empty. I could hear water running in the en-suite bathroom so I knocked on the door.

“Barbara? Are you okay?”

I heard her groan in response, so I tried the door. Finding it unlocked, I entered the bathroom. Barbara’s clothes were in a pile on the floor next to the bath, where she was currently wallowing. I hurried over to her. “Are you okay my love?”

“I think I’m in labour. What started out as cramps have now developed into something a little more painful. I am pretty sure that I don’t need to go to hospital yet, so I thought I would have a bath and see if the warm water eased things.”

I knelt down beside her and put my hand on her arm. “You should have called me.”

“I know, I’m sorry, but my mind was otherwise occupied.”

“What can I do to help?” I knew that I needed to be guided by her.

“I know that this is going to sound strange, and you can say no, but what I’d really like is for you to get in here and hold me.”

I stood, stripped off my clothes, and then got into the bath behind Barbara and let her rest her back against my chest. She sighed deeply as she settled against me, and I wrapped my arms around her, resting my hands on her extended belly. 

“Were you having cramps when we were at the clinic?”

“No, I would have mentioned them if I had been, but I was feeling incredibly tired and more than a little tearful. I thought that it was just the pregnancy and my hormones.”

“The midwife said that we needed to time the contractions.”

“But not just yet Tommy; I want to lie here with you and enjoy being together. This is probably going to be the last quiet time that we get to share for a while, can we make the most of it?”

“Of course, all I ask is that you be honest with me. You are the one who is going through labour, so I need you to tell me what you need and when you need it.”

“I promise.”

Barbara let her head sink against my shoulder, which allowed me to kiss her cheek.

“Are you excited Tommy?”

“Excited and, if I am honest, a little scared.”

“Why scared?”

“I don’t want to be a bad father; but what if I let you or Mini We down?”

“This is uncharted territory for both of us Tommy, but we will work it out together. We’re going to make mistakes, but we will also learn from them.”

“I guess I am worried that I will do to our little one what I did to Peter, and to some extent to Mother.”

“Stop being so hard on yourself Tommy. As I said, we’re going to make mistakes, but all parents do; I know mine did. You recognise that you could have handled the Peter situation differently, and you are doing your best to fix things. We will be there for Mini We and we will be there for each other. Everything will work out; you know that as well as I do.”

I twisted so that I could kiss Barbara on the lips, loving how supportive she was being towards me when she must have been nervous and feeling pretty daunted herself. Another contraction washed over her, and she broke our kiss, gripping one of my hands tightly in hers. I stroked her bump, feeling her flesh tighten beneath my fingers.

“I really think we should time the next contraction Barbara; I don’t want to leave it too late to get to you to the clinic.”

“Agreed,” she spat out through gritted teeth. I waited until she released the death grip on my hand and had settled back against me before I reached over the side of the bath and retrieved my phone. Finding the stopwatch app, I waited for Barbara to have another contraction.

~*~

I was in absolute agony and completely exhausted. Tommy was standing beside me, bathing my forehead with a cool flannel, and whispering words of love and encouragement. During each contraction he held my hand, even though I was sure his hand must have felt as if I were trying to break every bone in it. I didn’t know how much longer my labour was going to go on, but I felt as if I were reaching the end of my endurance.

“You’re doing so well my love, I am so proud of you.”

“I feel as if I’ve been wrung out over a bucket; I haven’t got anything left to give.”

“Not much longer Lady Asherton, the baby should be born with the next contraction, but you will need to push hard.”

I gritted my teeth, “because for every other contraction I have been relaxing and enjoying a bloody picnic!”

I felt Tommy kiss me on the forehead and heard him trying not to laugh. “And there she is, my beloved Barbara Havers. I’ve been waiting for her to reappear.”

I made a very undignified noise, “there’s a time and a place for Lady Asherton, and this is neither the damned time nor is it the damned place!”

Tommy gave up on fighting his laughter. He slid his arm around me and hugged me close, and I could feel his body shaking with mirth. “I love you in all of your guises Barbara, and I never want you to stop being you.”

“That’s good, because I have no intention of… oh GOD, not again.”

“That’s it Lady Asherton, push hard.”

“I am pushing hard! If I push any harder, I’m going to turn inside out.” Still I did as I was instructed, and let out a howl as I felt our child slide from my body. I slumped into Tommy’s embrace and panted heavily, desperately trying to get my breath back, and that was when I heard our baby’s first cry.

“Congratulations Lord and Lady Asherton, you have a healthy baby boy.”

The midwife put the baby on my chest, and I automatically cradled him.

“Hello Mini We, mummy and I are really pleased to finally meet you.”

“Now we know we have a son we need to think of a name for him.”

I felt my contractions start again, and knew that I still had to deliver the placenta.

“Lord Asherton, if you would like to hold your son while we make Lady Asherton more comfortable. We will come and get you when we are done.”

Tommy went to protest. “It’s fine Tommy, go and bond with your son, I’m sure we won’t be too long in here.”

I felt Tommy lift the baby from my arms before he kissed me tenderly. “I love you Barbara.”

“I love you too Tommy.”


	15. Chapter 15

I woke to find Tommy lying next to me, his arm across my hip, and he was snoring softly. Mini We started to wake, so I slid from Tommy’s embrace and felt my way along the bed until I reached the moses basket. I sat down on the edge of the bed, reached into the basket and lifted our son into my arms.

“Hello there gorgeous, we need to try and be quiet so that we don’t wake up Daddy. He’s had a very busy day looking after Mummy while I was bringing you into the world, so it is only fair that we let him catch up on his sleep now.”

As I sat holding my son I felt a wave of sadness wash over me; he wasn’t even a day old and already I was discovering just how much I wasn’t going to be able to do for him. I couldn’t carry him downstairs so that I could feed him without disturbing Tommy, I couldn’t even ease myself back on the bed in case I dropped him. I couldn’t even see what he looked like. As much as I loved him, as much as I loved Tommy and the family we were building together, part of me couldn’t help but think that they would both be better off without me.

Two strong arms enveloped me, and I eased back against Tommy’s chest.

“I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t… why are you crying?”

“I’m just being silly, ignore me.”

“I am not going to ignore you Barbara.”

“It’s just struck me how little I can do for our son. I took him into my arms so that he wouldn’t wake you, and then I was stuck. I couldn’t carry him downstairs, I couldn’t sit back and feed him in bed, I couldn’t see if he was cold or needed his nappy changing. I started thinking that you two would be better off without me.”

“In no way would either of us be better off without you. This is new to both of us. We said that we would find our way through this together, and that is exactly what we are going to do. Mini We looks perfectly happy lying in your arms, he is content, and you will be a wonderful mum to him.”

“I’m sorry Tommy, I’m just feeling a little emotional.”

“Which is to be expected. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Things will get easier for us; it is just going to take us some time. Now, would you like me to hold Mini We so that you can get comfortable and feed him?”

“Yes, yes I would.”

~*~

We eventually decided on a name for Mini We, and surprisingly there hadn’t been any arguing over it. We called him Nicholas Thomas Lynley.

With a little work and compromise we managed to settle into a routine. It was inspiring to watch Barbara as she took to motherhood. Despite her fears, it turned out that there was very little that she couldn’t do for Nicholas, it just took time and practice. She learnt how to tell when Nicholas’ nappy needed changing, and how to do it when it did. She also learnt how to position Nicholas to breast feed, and could judge by his behaviour when he had had enough. Dressing him was a challenge, but more because he was a very active baby and liked to play. We also discovered just how invaluable a baby sling was; it meant that Barbara could keep her hands free to guide herself, but at the same time take Nicholas with her. At first she was terrified that she might fall and hurt him, but again with time, and me being there to support her and, if needed, guide her, she was soon happy and confident.

My study was transformed into a secure playroom, where all the sockets were covered, and there were no sharp edges, trip hazards, or things that could be pulled down on top of anyone. We could put Nicholas down with his activity mat and he would play and doze happily for hours. It was also where we kept another moses basket so that Barbara didn’t have to keep going up and down the stairs all day when she put Nicholas down for his nap.

Having a child totally transformed my life. I was completely enamoured by Nicholas, and totally absorbed by my love for him. I still worried, but my worries were more manageable. Caring for Nicholas wasn’t as daunting as I had anticipated. It was okay that I didn’t know everything because I didn’t need to, and it was fine if I had to take each day as a learning experience because that was what every parent did, and Barbara and I had fun learning together as we got to know our son.


	16. Chapter 16

I was accompanying Tommy to a charity event that his family sponsored. I was nervous for two reasons, it was my first ever outing as Lady Asherton, and it was the first time I had left Nicholas for more than an hour or so. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Judith’s daughter Stephanie who had volunteered to look after him, I knew that Nicholas would be fine with her, it was just that I knew that I was going to miss him terribly.

I was wearing a simple long sleeved, ankle length chiffon evening gown and low heeled shoes. Tommy had asked Judith to go with me to choose it, and I had been happy to have her guidance. I had insisted that it not be too revealing, explaining to her that I didn’t want to worry that I was falling out of the front of it and everyone being far too polite to tell me, but I also didn’t want it to look as if I were about to take holy orders. Once she had stopped laughing, which had thankfully lightened the mood, she and the shop assistant had picked out a few gowns that might be suitable and I had tried them on. By the third dress I was losing patience; by the sixth I was losing the will to live, but it turned out that the sixth dress was ‘the one’. Even though I couldn’t see the dress, I was happy to agree with her just to bring the shopping torture to an end!

I came out of the bathroom, “do I look okay Tommy?”

I felt him step close to me, and his hand came up to cradle my cheek.

“Barbara, I can honestly say that I have never seen anyone or anything more beautiful.”

“You mean I look more impressive than the Jensen or the Bristol? That’s high praise indeed!”

He moved closer still, and I felt his lips brush mine. His breath was warm on my skin, and I was tempted to suggest that we forget going out and head straight for bed.

“I love you, you wicked, wicked woman. Just you wait until I get you home tonight.”

I put my hands on his hips and tugged him towards me. “Promises, promises Lord Asherton.”

“Lady Asherton I’ll tell you now, it’s a promise I intend to keep.”

~*~

I took Barbara’s arm and guided her into the hotel function room. She was trembling, and part of me felt guilty for asking her to accompany me, but I also knew that she would have been offended if I hadn’t.

“Everything will be fine my love; I will be by your side the whole time, and if it all becomes too much for you then we can leave. I promise I will not make you stay longer than you want to.”

“Thank you Tommy. I know that I am being silly, but I am worried that I might spill something, bump into someone, or trip over my dress and fall flat on my face and embarrass you.”

“I know that this must be daunting for you, but I promise you that I will not leave you alone; and if you need something, anything at all, then just ask me.”

I kissed her tenderly on the cheek and then led her towards the bar.

“What can I get you to drink?”

“I think I’ll stick to mineral water, we don’t want Nicholas to pick up his mother’s bad habits.”

I chuckled at her statement. “I think he is a little young to pop into our local and order a pie, chips and a pint.”

“Perhaps, but I think I’ll abstain anyway.”

Passing Barbara her drink, I took mine and then moved away from the bar towards a couple of empty seats. She sat down gratefully and I settled opposite her.

“I never did ask you what charity we are supporting this evening.”

“It is a cancer charity, one that is trying to develop better treatments for the type of cancer that took my father’s life.”

Barbara reached out for my hand. I captured her fingers with mine and squeezed them gratefully.

~*~

We were in the back of a taxi on the way home from the recital. Tommy had his hand in mine, and I was resting my head tiredly on his shoulder.

“I had a nice time tonight Tommy, thank you for encouraging me to come.”

“I had a nice time too. I enjoyed having my beautiful wife on my arm, and all the jealous looks I was getting.”

“They can look all they like, but look is all they will ever do.”

Tommy pressed a kiss to my forehead, “you are so very good for my ego.”

I moved my head so that my mouth was closer to his ear. “I’m looking forward to massaging your ego even more when we get home; you have a promise to keep after all.”

“I meant every word of it then and I still mean every word of it now.”

“That’s good to know.”

I felt the taxi stop outside our house. Tommy paid the driver and then helped me out of the car. He led me to the front door. 

We closed the door behind us and then Tommy’s arms went around my waist and he backed me against a wall. The house was quiet so I assumed Stephanie had gone to bed. “Finally we are alone Lady Asherton.” His mouth found mine and he kissed me hard. “I have been waiting all night to do that.”

I pulled his hips towards me and ground myself against him.

“When you told me I was beautiful I nearly suggested that we skip the going out and head straight for the fun part of the evening.”

“Let’s check on Nicholas and then go to bed, I can’t wait to lose myself in you.”

“Flatterer.”

~*~

I checked in on Nicholas and he was fast asleep. Reassured, I headed back to our bedroom. As I pushed open the door I stopped dead; Barbara was lying in the middle of the bed in the skimpiest black lace underwear I had ever seen her in. Hurriedly pushing the door closed, I made my way over to where she lay, casting off my clothes as rapidly as I could.

“If I had known that this was what you were hiding underneath your gorgeous dress then I would have skipped the going out part of the evening too. Barbara, you are just breathtaking.”

As I lay down beside her she rolled over to face me. With a shaking hand, I traced her jawline before capturing her lips in a searing kiss. She shifted awkwardly, pressing her thighs together.

“Are you okay Barbara, is there something wrong?”

“Nothing that you haven’t already successfully proved that you can expertly resolve. And I sure as hell hope you are going to resolve it because, if you keep making comments like that, you had damn well better follow them through.”

“Am I turning you on my love?”

Barbara reached for my hand, guiding it to where she needed, I slid my fingers under the lace, through her nest of curls and she arched into me as I slipped two fingers into her wetness.

“Does that answer your question?” Her voice was breathy. 

I slid another finger into her slick channel and rubbed the pearl at the apex of her nether lips with my thumb. She clamped down on my fingers with her internal muscles and pressed on the back of my hand with hers.

“I want… I want you inside me… need you now.”

“And I am certainly not going to leave you wanting.”

“You are so beautiful Barbara, so very beautiful. I could lay here and look at you and touch you for hours, tracing your features, kissing your full lips.” My hand crept under her bra and I cupped her breast, feeling the weight in my hand and then running my thumb across her erect nipple. “I love your breasts, so full, so gorgeous.” I lowered my head and pulled her bra cup down and pressed open mouth kisses to her breast before taking her nipple in my mouth and suckling on it hard. 

Barbara arched into me, “Oh God Tommy, I need you, I really need you.”

She lifted her hips, and I took that as permission to remove her panties, gliding them down her legs and then casting them aside. I then turned my attention to her bra, unhooking it, before pulling it down her arms and letting it join her panties on the floor.

I lay back down next to Barbara, pulling her close to me before trailing my hand tenderly along the inside of her thigh. She lifted her leg over my hip, opening herself up to me, and I nudged my cock at the entrance of her womanhood. Barbara shifted her hips forward and I slid deep inside her.

I started to move gently in and out of her; our lovemaking didn’t need to be hurried. We kissed tenderly, our hands exploring each other’s bodies, tracing the contours of the others flesh. I slid my arms around her, captured her lips in a passionate kiss and thrust deeply into her. Barbara mapped my face with her fingers, tracing every dip and contour. She traced my lips, and then yelped with surprise when I nibbled at them, before ignoring them and kissing my way down her body until I reached her breasts. I latched onto one of her nipples, suckling it and worrying it with blunt teeth.

“Oh God, yessss!”

While I turned my attention to her other breast, I also slid a hand down between us to where we were intimately joined and began to manipulate the small bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs. Her breath became shorter as she clamped down on me hard.

~*~

An hour later we were both spent, pleasantly numb, and more than a little tired. Tommy lay sleeping in my arms. I stroked his hair, marvelling at how much love filled my heart as I held him. Sometimes I still felt as if our relationship was just a dream, one that, even now, I dreaded waking up from. Shuddering slightly, I nestled closer to his warm body, pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and then drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to feel dampness against my skin. 

“Tommy?” I was concerned. I heard his breath hitching as his grief overwhelmed him, so I wrapped one arm tightly around him whilst my other one cradled his head. Holding him to my breast I stroked his hair and murmured soothing nonsense to him as he cried. Now was not the time for talking; he would tell me what was wrong when he was ready. I rocked him gently in my arms, glad that I was able to be there for him; to offer him the support that he had given so freely to me. I would always be there for him and I would do my best to never let him down.

Eventually his breathing evened out, and I felt him raise his head.

“I’m sorry about that.”

I cupped his face in the palms of my hands and, had I been able to see, would have looked deeply into his eyes.

“Never apologise for showing your emotions. Never feel that you need to hide how you are feeling from me, or think that I would somehow find you lacking if you cry, I never did before. I am here for you now, and that means that I am here to offer you and give you whatever it is that you need. If it is in my power, if there is any way that I can support you, if I can lend my strength to you, all you have to do is ask. You will never be a burden to me. I love you Tommy, and loving you means that I am here for you, whenever you need me and whatever you need.”

“I wasted so much time looking for you, not realising that what I was hunting for so desperately was right under my nose the whole time. Helen and I could have spared each other the pain and the torment if I had been brave enough to realise what I already had in my life. I was emotionally immature and behaved like a spoilt brat a lot of the time. Christ, even my unborn child died because of my behaviour.”

“No, don’t do this to yourself Tommy.”

“I treated everyone badly; but you, you I treated even more appallingly; always expecting you to be there when I needed you, but walking all over you and your feelings the rest of the time. I don’t know what I did to deserve your loyalty and your love, but I promise you that I will never take it for granted from now on.”

“Please stop. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself Tommy. You are not responsible for what happened to your child, and you are not responsible for Helen’s death. As to me; our partnership, our friendship, and our relationship, it has changed both of us. The people we were all those years ago in Yorkshire, we’re not the same people now; we’re different, and, dare I say better. We’ve held each other’s hand and healed each other’s wounds. I may be blind now Tommy, but I can still see what a kind, loving and generous man you are, because I have always seen you with my heart.” I pulled him back against my breast, my fingers weaving themselves absently through his hair. “I love you so much; you and Nicholas are my world.”

~*~

I lay in Barbara’s arms, listening to her heartbeat as she slept. Part of me was embarrassed for having broken down and cried in her arms, but a larger part of me was glad that it had happened. It had felt good, almost cathartic, to finally admit what I had been holding inside me for so long. I thought a lot about the child that Helen and I had lost; wondering what they would have looked like and what they would have become. I had never really grieved for the child I had taken away from me, and to do so, especially with someone who loved me and didn’t judge me, felt good. I felt as if something inside me that had been damaged for so long that I didn’t notice it anymore was slowly starting to heal.

My eyes began to grow heavy; Barbara’s heartbeat and breathing were having a soporific effect, as was the warmth of her embrace. I leant my head against hers and let sleep take me.


	17. Chapter 17

Tommy and I had brought Nicholas down to Howenstow to spend some time with his grandma. Dorothy had met him more than once, but Tommy and I thought that a solid two weeks with grandma would be a nice thing to do. It also meant that we could spend some time together as a couple. 

Dorothy seemed to have the back door to the car open before Tommy had stopped. Despite his love for the Bristol, he had realised that it was in no way practical for transporting Nicholas, and so he had bought a Peugeot 508 GT. He said it was the closest version to the 608 that he had been driving when we had first met all those years ago in Yorkshire. As I couldn’t tell the difference between it and a Trabant, I took his word for it. He was happy, that was all that mattered, and he still had his 410 for when he wasn’t being chauffeur to our family.

“Hello Tommy and Barbara, and hello to you Nicholas, my gorgeous little boy. Grandma has missed you so much.”

“Hello Dorothy.”

“Do you mind if I take Nicholas to the stables?”

“No Mother, you two go and have fun.”

“Come along Darling, Grandma wants to show you the horses.”

When I heard the car door shut I turned to face Tommy. “I think we are obsolete for an hour or so.”

“I think you are right my love. I never thought that Mother would be a grandma, I always saw her as the grandmother type.”

“She’s changed a lot since we got together, and I think she is happier too. Nicholas has brought joy into her life where she didn’t have any, especially after Roddy died. She is the only grandparent that Nicholas has, so if she wants to spend time with him and spoil him rotten then I am more than happy for her to do so.”

“Well, as we are alone for the next hour, I can think of something that I would much rather do than sit here.”

I leaned forward and rested my head on his chest. “Oh you can, can you?”

I felt him press a gentle kiss in my hair. “Most definitely. So, are you coming up to our room or are you…”

I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed, “I’m going wherever you are.”

“I’ve got a one-way ticket to paradise.”

I playfully slapped him and we both laughed, “you are so corny at times Tommy.”

“But you love me?”

“You know I do.”

~*~

Barbara and I came downstairs in time for lunch. Mother had put Nicholas down for his nap when they had returned from the stables, and I was grateful to her for giving us some time alone. I put Nicholas into his highchair and then sat down next to Barbara at the table.

“Do you want to give Nicholas his lunch Dorothy?”

Mother smiled, “are you sure you don’t mind?”

Barbara shook her head, “it will make a change to be able to eat something when it is hot rather than lukewarm. Also, you may end up wearing half of whatever you give him, so I hope your clothing is either old or stainproof. He does like to share his food now that he is weaning.”

“Everything is washable. Now, what is Nicholas going to have for lunch today?”

“Baby rice,” I passed the jar over to Mother, “it just needs warming.”

“I’ll take care of it, you two just sit here and relax.”

While Mother headed off to the kitchen to take care of the baby rice, I handed Nicholas a small rice cake. He grabbed it in his hand and waved it above his head. I smiled at him and gently laughed.

“You’re supposed to eat your rice cake Nicholas, not use it to try and flag down an aircraft.”

“Oh, is he doing that again? He nearly knocked me out last week.”

“He did? Perhaps our son is going to be a bruiser like his mother.”

Barbara laughed, “If he inherits his father’s honey soaked baritone then he is going to have all the women he meets go weak at the knees.”

I hugged Barbara to me and whispered in her ear, “is that all my honey soaked baritone does, make you weak at the knees?”

Barbara stroked the side of my face and whispered back, “definitely not, and if we weren’t sitting at the table about to eat lunch then I would encourage you to slide your hand inside my knickers and find out just what parts of me your voice reaches, and exactly what it does when it reaches them.”

I was shocked at just how suggestive Barbara was being, this was a side of her that I normally never saw when we were at Howenstow with Mother, she was far too concerned about not letting me down and embarrassing me or my family. Usually she would hiss ‘not now Tommy’ and change the subject. I liked this naughty side of her, and I would happily encourage it.

I smiled wolfishly even though she couldn’t see me, “I shall ask Mother if she wants to look after Nicholas this afternoon and, if she agrees, I will be more than willing to take you up on your kind invitation. I should warn you though, I have a thing about feisty redheaded females, and there is one in particular, not a million miles away from me, who makes me rock hard just looking at her, so with your problem and mine, we may not get out of bed before breakfast!”

“Hmmm, it’s a challenge, but I think I might just be able to cope. There is one thing that I will need to do first, if we don’t want to be interrupted that is, and that is leave some bottles in the fridge for your mum to heat for Nicholas.”

“My beautiful and practical wife, what would I do without you.”

“Luckily for you, you’ll never have to find out.”

Mother came back into the room with the heated baby rice. She sat down and began to feed Nicholas. Nancy brought in the lunches, and we settled down to eat.

“Mother, would you mind looking after Nicholas for the rest of the day? I want to take Barbara for a walk along the cliffs after lunch.”

“If you are both happy for me to look after him then it would be my pleasure.”

“We’re more than happy Dorothy, we really appreciate you giving us the chance to have some Tommy and Barbara time. I will make sure that I leave some bottles for you to reheat.”

“I love looking after Nicholas, it is so nice having a baby in the house. You know I will look after him any time that you need me to.”

“You just might regret saying that Mother.”

Mother smiled brightly as Nicholas ate another spoonful of baby rice, “no, I won’t.”

~*~

Barbara and I came back from our walk with grass stains and buttons done up in the wrong holes. We headed upstairs to our room, and once the door was closed behind us, we kissed our way to the en-suite bathroom as we shed our clothes and shared a very steamy and passionate shower; and then, exhausted, we tumbled onto the bed and into each other’s arms.

“You were right Barbara.”

“I was? I mean, of course I was.”

I laughed and kissed her tenderly, “you nearly always are, but I was referring to our conversation at the table before lunch.”

“Oh, was that the rock hard and drenched conversation?”

“Barbara! Really!”

“What? If I wanted to really shock you I would tell you that when we first met I hated your voice, but by the end of our first case, I never wanted you to shut up. Why do you think I always tried to chat to you when you were in the shower? You, damp, in a towel, and your voice; I spent nearly every case trying not to jump you!”

“Then why did you run away when I tried to kiss you in the garden?”

“It was all too much. I was scared. I had never felt for anyone the way that I was feeling for you; and the thought that you might feel the same way both excited and confused me. I couldn’t see why anyone would want me, especially not you. I decided that the fantasy was better than risking the reality and me being a disappointment. I didn’t want to lose you. Having a part of you, however small, was better than not having you in my life at all.”

“Oh Barbara.” I wrapped my arms around her even tighter and she snuggled up against my chest.

“Don’t Tommy. Remember our conversation a while back? The people that we were then are not the people we are now. If I had given in to your kiss we wouldn’t be married now. We would have had a brief but passionate affair; and we would have ended up hating each other. I couldn’t bear for that to happen; I don’t think I would have survived it. The reason that we are so good together is because we are so broken apart. A psychologist would probably say that we have dependency issues. I would probably agree with them, but I would also tell them to sod off. What might not be healthy for other people is normal for us. We need each other to live; you are as essential to me as air.”

I kissed her forehead, tears streaming down my face.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry Tommy.”

“I’m not sad, I promise you, I’m just feeling a little emotional. Do you know how long I spent looking for someone to love me the way that you do? I had almost given up hope, I thought that I was going to have to spend my life alone, stumbling from one passionless encounter to another, trying to feel something and failing, but continuing to bed hop because I never wanted to settle for second best again. The day you told me that you loved me, despite the circumstances that brought us together, that was the happiest day of my life. I love you so much Barbara.”

Barbara sat up and straddled me. I put my hands on her hips, stroking the soft skin that I found there. She leant forward, bracing herself on my shoulders, and gently rubbed her groin against mine.

“I need you inside me Tommy.”

“I need to be inside you just as much.”

Barbara raised herself up, before reaching between our bodies, grasping my cock in her hand and then sliding down on it hard.

“Jesus Christ!” I fought to find my breath as her warmth enveloped me. This, being with her like this, being joined with her mind, body and spirit, this was the heaven that I had been searching for, and I was never going to take it or her for granted.

Barbara began to ride me slowly, one hand braced on my chest and the other on my leg. Her eyes were closed, her head thrown back, and an expression of pure bliss on her face. I lay there watching her, completely consumed by my love for this woman. Eventually I began to move but she stopped me.

“No Tommy, let me make love to you, I want to do this for you. Let me do the work, you just lie back and enjoy yourself.”

I rested my hands back on her hips, as she continued to move up and down, grinding her hips as she did so. I moved one of my hands forward and began to stroke her clit.

“Yes Tommy, yes… oh God!”

“You like that do you,” I stroked her harder and her movements began to become erratic as her orgasm drew closer. I could feel her internal muscles contracting around me as she rode me. I began to gently thrust up to meet her, I couldn’t just lie there. Barbara changed position, leaning forward, her hands back on my shoulders again.

“Don’t fight it Barbara, I want to see you, I want to watch your face as you come on my cock.”

She screamed as she came, and I followed her over the edge. Exhausted, she slumped onto me, and I cradled her in my arms, both of us panting.

“I will never grow tired of making love with you. Until I fell in love with you, I never knew that love could be like this. When we come together like this, that is when I am most at peace. You reach inside me and heal and soothe parts of me that I never thought would be whole again. Thank you, Barbara, I love you so very much.”


	18. Chapter 18

When I woke the next morning Barbara was curled up on her side facing away from me. I thought about letting her sleep, but knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn’t offer to bring her a coffee.

“Good morning sleepy.” I put my hand on her shoulder, and then froze when I realised how cold she was. “Barbara?”

I scrambled out of bed and knelt down beside her, panic gripping my heart.

“Barbara?” I shook her, “Barbara, please speak to me.”

There was still no response, and the reality of what had happened slowly began to sink in. I sat back on my heels, tears streaming silently down my face as I stared at her in disbelief.

“Oh Barbara.”

I reached out and took her hand in mine, ignoring the fact that it was cold, and kissed its palm tenderly. My beautiful and feisty wife had left me, and, however much I wanted things to be different, there was nothing that I could do about it. 

I wondered how I was going to find the strength to carry on without her; but I knew that I would because of Nicholas. I also knew that I should be making a telephone call, but I didn’t want to, not just yet, I couldn't. As long as it was just me that was aware of what had happened, I could almost pretend that it wasn’t real.

I climbed back into bed and pulled her into my arms, cradling her head against my chest, my silent tears becoming full blown sobs. I rocked her, my sobs become wails as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

“I’m sorry I let you down Barbara; I promised to keep you safe and I failed. I hope that when we meet again you will forgive me; but I promise you that I won’t do anything stupid and leave Nicholas alone. I won’t let him forget you; I shall talk about you every day, and we will keep you in our minds and our hearts. You were the best thing in my life, the best thing about me, and you made me the person I wanted to be. Loving you, and being loved by you, I wouldn’t change a single day. You are the love of my life, my soulmate, and thinking of life without you in it is a very scary thing, but I will face life in the same way you faced it; with my head held high. I may stumble along the way, but if I fall I know that you will be there in my heart to help me get up again and carry on. I will always love you Barbara; there will never be anyone else in my heart or my bed.”

I kissed her tenderly on the lips and then snuggled down in the bed, her body still wrapped in my embrace. I knew that we wouldn’t have much longer together, but I was determined to make the most of every second. Once I made that phone call, she would be taken from me, and then I would have to begin life without her; until then I could just close my eyes and pretend that it was yesterday, and that nothing would ever tear us apart.

~*~

I absently played with my wedding ring, twisting it around my finger. I was determined that I wouldn’t let Barbara down, she had never failed me. I would also never betray our love. She was my soulmate; to sleep with anyone else would be wrong, and it would just be sex. I would never give my heart to anyone else; I couldn’t, Barbara had taken it with her when she died.

“Tommy?”

I looked up and saw Mother standing in the doorway. I nodded, not able to find the words. She came in and sat in the chair next to the fire.

“How are you doing?”

I reached out and briefly put my hand on her arm. “Not as badly as I thought I would, but I’m not under any illusion that this is going to be hard.”

“You know that I am here for you.”

“I understand now how it must have been for you when Father was dying, and then when Roddy passed away.”

“We all grieve differently Tommy; there is no wrong or right way to do it.”

“There are going to be days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed; and there are going to be days when it is as if she is just upstairs taking a nap. I will deal with each day as it comes.”

“Barbara would be so proud of you Tommy.”

“I hope so.”

~*~

I was lying in bed but I couldn’t sleep. Mother had offered to have the room cleaned, or another room made up for me, but I didn’t want that. Crazy as it might have appeared to her, I didn’t want Barbara erased like that. I hugged her pillow to me, inhaling her scent, and the tears that I had fought since Barbara had been taken away began to flow freely; I missed her so much.

I rolled onto my back, still holding Barbara’s pillow tightly in my arms. Somehow, I had made it through my first day without her.

~*~

A week after Barbara’s death I was contacted by the Coroner’s Liaison Officer. They had concluded their tests and had discovered that she had passed away in her sleep because of a fit. As she hadn’t been diagnosed with epilepsy they couldn’t say it was definitely that which had caused the fit, but they were issuing a death certificate that stated her cause of death as Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy and now the certificate was issued I could make arrangements for her funeral.

~*~

It was the day of the funeral and I hadn’t slept; I had watched the minutes turn into hours, and daylight creep slowly into the room through the gap in the curtains. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through the day without falling apart, but I also wasn’t going to be ashamed of showing everyone just how much I loved and missed Barbara. 

I forced my weary body out of bed and headed towards the shower. Turning the water on to as hot as I could possibly bear, I stood under the spray and attempted to let it pummel the stress out of my tired body. I started to cry again, but I welcomed the tears, sure that there would be many more before the day was done.

I stayed under the shower until the water began to cool. Shivering, I wrapped myself in a towel and moved to the basin so that I could shave. As I lathered up my face I caught sight of my eyes in the mirror, they were bloodshot, watery, and full of grief. Once again, I was relieved that I didn’t feel empty; I was terrified that I would end up travelling the same route that I had when Helen had died, that would cause me to let down Barbara and Nicholas; and I loved them far more than I ever had Helen. So far, I hadn’t tried to kill myself with alcohol; and I prayed that I would continue to be able to resist it; especially as the one person who pulled me back from the brink previously was no longer there. I truly believed that this time would be different; I had felt guilt when Helen had died, guilt because I hadn’t been in love with her and wasn’t grieving for her as a husband should grieve for a wife, and guilt because there was someone that I was in love with, and yet I didn’t have the courage to tell them how I felt. And that person had been Barbara.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I had my shave and then went into the bedroom to dress. Today wasn’t about me, today was about saying goodbye to Barbara, however painful that was going to be for me to do; I owed it to her.

~*~

It was time for me to read Barbara’s eulogy, and I knew that it was going to be hard for me to make it through everything that I wanted to say without breaking down; it had been difficult enough just writing it. I wasn’t concerned though; Barbara had never thought less of me for crying in front of her, she always said that it just showed that I was human, and that it was something that I should never be afraid to be or show.

I stood and made my way from the front pew to the lectern; my eyes hardly leaving the polished wood of her coffin, but my mind completely focussed on just putting one foot in front of the other without stumbling or falling flat on my face. I swallowed deeply, put my reading glasses on, took a deep breath and began, my voice steady and clear.

“First of all, my family and I want to thank you all for being here today to help us remember Barbara and to celebrate her life.

“I first met Barbara at Deborah and Simon’s wedding, where I was best man. I was a Detective Inspector with the Metropolitan Police, and Barbara, who was a Detective Sergeant, had just been partnered with me. She was sent to collect me from the reception as we had a case; our first case together as a team.

“Barbara didn’t like me very much; she had a massive chip on her shoulder about the upper classes, and being partnered with me was her worst nightmare. She was sullen, argumentative and defensive, and I had to wonder what I had done so very wrong in my career to be given her as a partner. She used to call me an arrogant ponce, and I would call her an embittered shrew, but as the case continued, I began to see what a keen and intelligent mind she had, and I decided to give her a chance. I hoped that we would work well together, if we didn’t kill each other first!

It turned out that she had a very difficult home life; her brother had died of Leukaemia when they were both still young, and her parents were both sick. She blamed them for not noticing her brother was ill, and they resented her for not dying in his place. She was juggling working with looking after them, something that was made doubly difficult because her mother had Dementia. The world had not been kind to her, it explained a lot about her attitude, and it also helped me understand her and her actions a little more clearly.

“From that first case, we found something special. We also found we could argue with each other as if it were an Olympic sport, but that was part of our relationship. It was like negotiating a minefield; I wasn’t tolerant and she was as prickly as a hedgehog. But, however much we fought, however much we hurt each other, we would always come back together, we just couldn’t stay away. Despite all of the issues between us, we knew that we could rely on each other, we knew that if we needed someone, if we had a problem or we needed a shoulder to cry on, all we had to do was ask. We also developed an unspoken way of communicating, the words coming out of our mouths not nearly as important as what was being said with our expressions and our eyes; no one understood how close we were, sometimes not even us, but it just worked.

“As the years passed, Barbara was always there for me. She supported me through the most difficult time of my life, my marriage to Helen. Even when I lashed out at her, and I took my anger out on her on a regular basis; something that to this day I am not proud of, she stayed. When Helen died, I didn’t cope well with my emotions, but Barbara was always there. It didn’t matter how vile I was, or how hard I pushed her away, she stuck. She stood by me, she supported me, she defended me, she even risked her career for me, and, although I didn’t realise it at the time, she loved me, and I in turn loved her.

“It was when she had her accident I finally woke up and realised just how much she meant to me. I had nearly lost her on two previous occasions; once when she was shot in front of me, and then again when she was held hostage by a corrupt police officer. My best friend, this amazing woman, who loathed everything I stood for, had somehow become the centre of my world. The thought of her not being part of it scared me, I didn’t think that I would be able to cope. It turned out that she felt the same way, and my life became complete when she agreed to be my wife.

“Barbara always did everything with her whole heart. When she loved, she loved forever and with a fierce and passionate intensity; and she more than proved her capacity for love by being my wife, and a wonderful mother to Nicholas. Despite being blind, she never let it stop her from doing what she wanted to; she always found a way even if most people would have thought it was impossible. I promised her that I would always be there for our son, and I renew that promise now. As long as there is breath in my body I will love him, guide him, nurture him and support him, just as she would have done. Barbara, I promise you that I will make sure that he knows you, knows that you loved him, and ensure that he never forgets you.

“Barbara was the best part of me. Being with her, loving her and being loved by her, she made me a better person and a much better man. But now I am broken, and my better half has gone. It is going to be so hard carrying on without her, but I will, because that is what she would want me to do, and it is what I know she would do if our situations were reversed.”

I stepped down from the lectern and walked back to her coffin.

“I miss you so much my love, and I will never stop loving you.”

I kissed my fingers and then tenderly touched the lid of her coffin.

“Sleep well Beloved, until we see each other again.”


	19. Chapter 19

It was when I finally felt up to sorting through all of Barbara’s belongings that I found a letter addressed to me, hidden away in the bottom of her underwear drawer, and I had smiled at the irony, wondering if the action had been deliberate on her part. Barbara had been proficient with the voice command software that we had installed onto the computer; there wasn’t much that she couldn’t do. I swallowed hard, trying to shift the lump in my throat, while at the same time wondering what was contained inside the envelope. With the letter in hand, I wandered over to the window and sat in the chair next to it. Fishing my reading glasses from my shirt pocket, I put them on, opened the envelope, unfolded the paper inside and began to read.

_My Darling Tommy_

_I expect the existence of this letter has somewhat surprised you; we are not the type of couple who feel the need to put our feelings down on paper as we have never been shy of telling each other exactly how we feel. While that is true, after my accident I realised that life is far too short, and, although I will make sure that I tell you every day how much I love you, I have an overwhelming need to write this letter to you, just in case something happens to me. I hope that you will humour me and read it, even if it does turn into a cross between a novel by Dostoevsky and the script for the director’s cut of Titanic; and yes, the underwear drawer was a deliberate action on my part; if I could I would have left it with a lacy pair in our cutlery drawer!_

I laughed, she and I knew each other too well, and I had told her that her hiding her knickers in the knife drawer of her flat had been one of my fondest memories, so it had become a running joke between us. I allowed myself to smile a while longer and then returned my attention to the letter.

_The day that I met you was the day that I started living again. As you know well, my life before you came along was painful to put it mildly. The loss of Terry caused my family to implode. My days were spent attempting to juggle my work and caring for my parents. It was becoming harder and harder to do, and I was trying so desperately hard to keep my head above water each day without letting anyone see what was happening. I hated the person that I had become, but I couldn’t bear to let anyone in, to let anyone know what my life was really like, so it was easier to be rude and unapproachable, that way people avoided me like the plague._

_Until you._

_I don’t know what you saw in me or why you didn’t give up on me, but I will always be grateful that you didn’t. I know that I drove you to distraction during our first case in Yorkshire, I remember you telling me that you couldn’t take much more of my behaviour, but you stuck with me just as I stuck with you, and by the end of that case we had reached an understanding._

_You are the only reason that I managed to stay in the Metropolitan Police. Being partnered with you was my last chance, I had burnt so many bridges and alienated so many people, if our partnership hadn’t worked out I would have been fired. You were my saviour in so many ways. You helped me when my father died, you helped me with my mum, you helped me with my career, risking yours to keep me on the force when I was demoted and talking me out resigning; you helped me even when I wasn’t grateful, when I shouted at you and hurt you, when all you were doing was showing me how much you cared. Thank you; the words are not enough but they are all that I have._

_It didn’t take me long to fall in love with you, how could I not? At first I fought the feelings, ignoring the fact that you represented everything I was supposed to despise, why on earth would you ever be interested in plain and boring me? I wasn’t the kind of woman that you were attracted to; in my ill-fitting clothes, no make-up and badly styled hair; I believed that I would be an embarrassment to you. Barbara Havers; suitable friend material but never anything more. So, I kept the fact that I was in love with you hidden and instead channelled all my energies and emotions into being your friend. I hadn’t had a friend since before Terry died; how many people do you know who would be happy to be let down continually; to always feel as if they were in second, or even third place, but that was the way things had to be, work and my parents always had to come first. You understood that, and you didn’t make me feel bad because of it. I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to me. Your friendship allowed me to blossom, to become a better person. That didn’t mean I stopped being in love with you, and I never allowed myself to imagine that you could feel the same way about me._

_I adored spending time with you. It didn’t matter if we were at work or not, as long as I was with you I was happy. I told you once that I loved the Bristol, and I did. I could sit in the passenger seat, the leather that had moulded to my shape cradling me, and I could lose myself in the scent of you, the sound of your voice, the beauty of your face, there wasn’t one thing about you that didn’t stir me. If I closed my eyes I could imagine that we were a couple; by your side was the only place where I felt that I belonged._

_I’m sorry if I am rambling, there is so much to say, and my thoughts are anything but organised. It also doesn’t help that I am using the voice command software to write it; it helps if I make any glaring errors, but it doesn’t take into account that the person using the software is trying to find the right words to tell her soulmate just how much he means to her and what a difference he made to her life, and how she will never be able to thank him for everything he did, and also for just being the man that he is. So, if this darts in one direction and then another, before heading back to the start again, as well as changing tenses and person, well I hope you will forgive me, and I also hope that it will make some sort of sense to you – eventually!_

_When I had my accident, which I am still unable to fully recall, I would never have believed that, although it was the end of one aspect of my life, it would also be the beginning of something so much better. I wish that I hadn’t lost my sight; I miss gazing at your beloved face, looking into your chestnut eyes and being able to lose myself in them, but to be loved by you, to be married to you, to be the mother of your son; that is something that I had never dared myself to hope for, but at the same time, so grateful that I got to experience._

_I am sorry that I have had to leave you; but I hope that I made you feel as loved as you made me. I want you to know that you and Nicholas have given me a life that I never thought I would get to share with anyone, and especially not you. Who would have known that the love of my life, my reason for living, would be Detective Inspector Thomas “Tommy” Lynley, the Eighth Earl of Asherton. Little Barbara Havers, the council house bred girl from Acton became Lady Asherton; and she loved each and every minute that she got to stand proudly beside her handsome Earl; who she loved with all of her heart._

_I need you to make me some promises Tommy, and I hope that you won’t think badly of me for voicing them. I know how deeply you love (and I love you just as much), and I know how I would feel if our situations were reversed. You need to promise me that you won’t shut yourself away with only copious amounts of alcohol for company, that won’t help anyone, especially not you. You also need to promise me that you will be there for Nicholas. I am not for one minute saying that you do not love him, or that I believe that you would ever abandon him, but I know what happens to you when you become consumed with grief. Support him, help him work through his grief, and in that way you will find a way through yours. Keep yourself busy with him, let him know how much you love him, do all the things with him that we would have done together. And please, don’t ever let him forget me, don’t let him forget how much I love him, and don’t ever forget how much I love you._

_Don’t spend the rest of your life alone. Surround yourself with people and things that you love. And, if one day you cross paths with someone that you find yourself falling in love with, grab hold of them with both hands. You are not betraying me, not in any way, I am not in any doubt of how much you love me. I know that you are not the kind of person who does well alone, you think too much and dwell on things; and that isn’t good for you._

_There are so many things that I wish we had done together; things that weren’t possible because of my disability; but I wouldn’t change one moment of the time I spent with you Tommy. Know that I was happy. Know that I knew that I was loved. Know that I loved you with all that I was. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you._

_You taught me so many things, and for that I will always be grateful too. The person I am now could never have existed if I hadn’t been fortunate to know you and share my life with you. Without you I would have remained the bitter and twisted woman that I was when we first met. You taught me to love, you taught me to forgive, you gave me the strength to stop hiding and let people get to know the real me; the person that you discovered and allowed to shine._

_I am so very sorry for all the pain that you have had to experience in your life; no one should have to go through the torture that you have. Again and again life has brought you to your knees; and a lesser man would have given up, but you never did and I admire you so much for that. I apologise that I have once again added to that pain, I wish that I hadn’t and I also wish that it could have been avoided. If there had been any way that I could have then I would. Please don’t let my passing be the thing that finally destroys you._

_I’m sorry, this letter has gone on longer than the Eurovision Song Contest, I did warn you that I was probably going to ramble. I think that maybe I should stop, but before I do I have a final ‘declaration’ to make; I love you Tommy, it was you, and it will always be you. Don’t grieve for me Sweetheart, if there is any justice in this world, or the next, we will meet again._

_All my love, now and forever_

_Barbara x_

By the time I had finished reading her letter I had tears streaming down my face. I took off my glasses and wiped my eyes with the palms of my hands. Barbara had known me well, perhaps too well, but I loved her even more for leaving me this letter to find; it was as if she were holding out her hand to comfort me.


	20. Chapter 20

Although many years had passed since Barbara had died, I had never so much as looked at another woman, the promise I had made her as she had lain in my arms I had meant; there would never be room for another woman in my heart or my life; how could there be when she had been the centre of my universe.

Our son had grown into a well-adjusted adult; Nicholas had taken over the running of the estate when it had become too much for me. He was married and had four children. I was so very proud of all of them.

Mother had passed away when Nicholas was fifteen. She had died of old age at Howenstow, surrounded by all of her family. Peter had married and now had children and grandchildren of his own. Judith never remarried, but was living a full and happy life. She was also a grandmother, Stephanie and her husband had adopted two children, a brother and sister, and they were living in one of the cottages on the estate.

As for me, well I was now well into my eighties. I wasn’t as mobile as I had been, in my fifties I had had to undergo a knee replacement, and I had never quite got back the full movement that I had previously. The older I got, the more my movement was restricted, but I never allowed it to prevent me being there for my family. Once Nicholas finished school he decided that he didn’t want to go to university, instead he decided to come back to Howenstow, and he asked me to teach him all about the estate. He had a natural flair for it, and soon I was able to take a backseat.

I still missed Barbara; the pain of her passing had never eased, but I had done my best to bury it and hide it from my family, I didn’t want their pity, that would have been too much to bear. I still held onto the hope that she and I would be reunited when I died, and the older I got the more I hoped. I was tired now; my son was grown and settled, I had done my part and kept my promise; I felt that I could walk away knowing that he would be fine without me. I still wasn’t going to do anything stupid, that wouldn’t be fair on him and Barbara would never forgive me, but if my time were to come soon I would more than welcome it. My body was failing, and I now understood Barbara when she said that she didn’t want to be a burden, they were my feelings exactly. I had done my time on this earth, now I was just winding down to the inevitable.

I still had Barbara’s letter, and I still read it on a regular basis. It had become fragile with age so I had laminated it; it and my wedding ring were my most treasured possessions. As the years had passed, her letter had become more poignant, and I had decided that I should follow her lead and leave one for my family; I felt that there were things about Barbara and I that they needed to know and understand.

I took myself off to my study; there was no time like the present, there wasn’t anything else that I needed to do, and I felt that I shouldn’t leave it any longer.

~*~

Dad hadn’t come down to breakfast. It wasn’t unusual for him to arrange for breakfast to be taken to him in his room, but he normally left a note in the kitchen before he retired to bed, and this time he hadn’t. I tried not to let it worry me, but I failed miserably and so I headed upstairs to his room.

I knocked on the door and then entered his room. The curtains were all pulled but his bedside lamp cast a warm glow. I walked over to the bed. Dad was lying on his side, the duvet pulled up to his shoulder. On the pillow was a photo of Mum, his hand tenderly touching it, and he had a peaceful smile on his face.

I didn’t need to be a doctor to see that he had gone.

I smiled sadly to myself; while I was upset that he had passed away, I was happy that he and Mum had finally been reunited, I knew how much he missed her. Taking another look at him, pleased that he had now found the peace that he had been missing for so long, I left the room and went to break the news to the rest of the family and make the necessary arrangements.

~*~

Dad’s will hadn’t been a surprise. I took over the mantle of Lord Asherton, something that he had prepared me for from a young age, but never to the detriment of my childhood. He had made provision for all members of the family, and I would make sure that his wishes were fulfilled. What had been a surprise was the letter that had been left with the solicitor, a letter that he had given strict instructions should be read by the family only.

_My much loved family_

_I know that this letter will be a surprise to you, and I am smiling to myself as I write that sentence because it is nearly word for word what Barbara wrote to me all those years ago. We are far more alike than most people would have thought or given us credit for._

_The purpose of this letter is to share some thoughts and feelings that I may not have mentioned before, or things that I didn’t say enough. I once told Barbara that I wasn’t good at giving compliments; over the years I have tried to be better, but this is just in case I didn’t quite get there despite my best intentions._

_Although I was married before, Barbara was the love of my life, just as I was hers. I wasted so much time looking for my soulmate, when all the time she was right under my nose. It took her accident for me to face up to something that, if I am honest, I had known for years, that I was hopelessly in love with her, and for me to find the courage to tell her; granted she was in a coma at the time which made things a little easier, but I still found the words. It turned out that she heard me, and that she felt the same way about me. Her accident was the very worst time, but it opened the door for the very best._

_I wish that you all could have known the ‘old’ Barbara, the person that she was when we worked together, the person who was my best friend. Her accident changed her, it made her less brave and more cautious, and she had to allow people to help her, something which had never sat comfortably with her in all the years I knew her. That said, she never completely lost her feisty spirit; and we could still argue loudly enough to make the windows of Howenstow rattle ferociously!_

_Barbara was the centre of my world, the saviour of my sanity, and the reason that I could get up in the morning. When I first met her she exasperated me, and I was convinced that, by the end of our first case in Yorkshire, one or other of us would be under arrest for murder ourselves! It turned out that I was wrong. We had to work with an officer that I had had dealings with before; and, well let’s just say that it didn’t go well and he held a grudge. He verbally attacked me and Barbara stood up for me like no one had ever done before, even though she thought I had behaved inappropriately and slept with a suspect. It was then that I realised just how good a team we could be, even though she appeared to hate me and I was driven to distraction by her attitude._

_The more we worked together, the more we got to know each other, the more our bond strengthened, and we became friends. Friends who still fought bitterly, but we always drifted back to each other, supported each other and cared for each other._

_Barbara supported me throughout my relationship with my first wife. It was a marriage that should never have happened, and it caused me a lot of pain, which in turn caused Barbara pain because I took my temper out on her. Never once did she walk away from me, although she would have been completely within her rights to do so. After my first wife died I behaved stupidly and I ended up being arrested for murder. I was innocent; but no one except for Barbara truly believed me. She fought for me, she risked her career for me, she even got assaulted by the actual murderer, but still she never gave up on me._

_Barbara and I had a way of saying more without words than we ever did with them. Because of our bond, because of how close we were we could be having a verbal conversation but our eyes and our expressions would be saying far more than words ever could. That was one thing we both missed when she lost her sight; our unspoken communication._

_Our family are our proudest achievement. Nicholas, you brought us both such joy and happiness. I am just so sorry that you didn’t get to grow up with Barbara in your life, and I know that she deeply regretted that too._

_I am so pleased that you have found someone to love you, support you, and encourage you to live and grow. If you are even half as happy as Barbara and I were then… I think that you know what I am trying to say. Keep living and loving, and always be there for each other. And never let an argument split the family apart – Barbara and I both had experience of that and we paid emotionally for being so stubborn. It is not something that either of us would wish on you._

_I know that the time is coming for me to leave you, my body is failing me and I am so very tired. As hard as it will be for you, I don’t want you to grieve for me, I have had a good life. I am ready to go and be with Barbara, we have been apart for far too long, and I am looking forward to seeing her again. After dreaming every night of being held in her arms, I cannot wait for it to finally be a reality again._

_Thank you all for putting up with this grumpy old man; I love you all so very much._

_Tommy_

~*~

I knew as soon as Tommy died and, while I was sad for the family that we had left behind, the joy that we were finally going to be together again outweighed that emotion.

I knew exactly where to find him, our old stomping ground, the Met police, and so I headed over there. As I walked across the car park I wasn’t at all surprised to see that he was with the Bristol, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t tease him mercilessly about it.

Tommy smiled as he saw me, and I couldn’t help smiling back at him while my heart lurched in my chest. He looked just like he did on the last day that I had seen him, and he was beautiful. I wasn’t going to just throw myself at him, however hard it would be to resist the temptation, he had only just passed over and, however pleased he looked to see me, I knew that there had to be a hundred and one emotions bubbling through him, there had been for me, and it had taken me a little while to find my equilibrium. The plan was to just be me.

I kept walking towards him, stopping when we were a few inches apart and putting my hands on my hips.

“Finally!” I tried to sound as if I were angry with him, but the playful tone in my voice gave away that I wasn’t serious.

“Well, you did leave me a lot to do, clearing your knickers out of the cutlery drawer took me nearly a week!”

I playfully slapped him, and then closed the distance between us and slid my arms around his neck.

“I have missed you so much Tommy.”

He cradled my face between his palms, staring into my emerald eyes. “I’ve missed you too my love, I’ve missed you too.”

“I should have known that any reunion between us would have to involve the Bristol.”

“Well you did tell me that you loved the car, so I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“You could never disappoint me Tommy, unless you fail to kiss me sometime in the next five seconds, in which case there might be some bodily damage inflicted.”

He moved his head until our lips were a hair’s breadth apart, “I don’t want that.”

Kissing Tommy felt divine, and I couldn’t believe how I had managed to survive so long without him. He picked me up and sat me on the bonnet of the Bristol before wrapping his arms around me and kissing me again. My tongue snaked its way into his mouth and duelled with his. My fingers tangled in his hair as I tried to draw him closer, hooking my legs around his hips and gently rubbing myself against his groin. Eventually we had to break for air.

“Unless we want to get arrested we had better take this reunion somewhere more private.”

“You mean you aren’t going to take me on the bonnet of the Bristol? I am so disappointed!”

“Barbara! I haven’t made love to you in decades, I am not going to throw you down on the bonnet of a car. I want soft cotton sheets, fluffy pillows and you, completely naked in my arms, crying out my name in ecstasy as I pound you into the mattress.”

“You have such a way with words, and you are making me as horny as hell, so I suggest you drive us back to Eaton Terrace so that we can get naked and hot and sweaty.”

He lifted me down from the car and smacked my backside. I yelped in surprise and then glared at him from the passenger side of the car.

“I should make you pay for that, only I am so desperate to make love to you…” My voice trailed off as we looked at each other, and then dived into the car.

He smiled as he brought the car to a standstill outside his old townhouse, then looked across at me.

“Why here?”

“We both have happy memories of this house, it’s where I have been watching our family and waiting for the time when you would come and join me.”

“Then it’s about time we share it again.”

By the time we made it to the landing outside the bedroom door we were both virtually naked and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I backed Tommy up against the wood, my hand in his hair again and my mouth fused to his. He fumbled for the handle, and we tumbled through the door and onto the bed. We broke apart laughing.

“I think that perhaps we were being just a little bit too enthusiastic.”

“Us? Is there really such a thing as too enthusiastic when it comes to you and I?”

“No, I suppose there isn’t.”

He started to kiss me again, not quite believing that we were together again, and at the same time loving each and every minute. I responded enthusiastically, and we tangled in the sheets, our bodies entwined.

“I am never going to grow tired of being with you.”

“That’s good, because we have an eternity to enjoy each other, and this is just one of the ways that I intend to spend that eternity.”

“Hmm, so what other plans do you have for this eternity that we are going to spend enjoying each other?”

“How about I just show you.”

“That sounds like a very good idea; actions speak far louder than words.”

I rolled Tommy onto his back and then straddled him. I leaned forward so that my breasts brushed against his chest and he shivered at the sensation before bringing his hands onto my hips and guiding me down onto his erect cock. As he slid inside of me silent tears escaped from his eyes and ran down his face, his emotions appearing to overwhelm him. I leaned forward and sipped at them, before pressing tender kisses along his jawline and down his neck.

“Don’t cry Tommy, we are together now and no one will ever come between us again.”

“It was so hard without you Barbara. I did everything that I promised you that I would do, but it was a struggle each and every day. I love Nicholas, and I would never have left him alone, but there wasn’t a single moment that I didn’t wish you were by my side.”

“It was hard without you too Tommy. I didn’t want to leave you, if there had been any way that I could have stayed then you know that I would have.”

“I should have noticed something.”

I pressed a finger to his lips, “there was nothing that you could have done Tommy. Please tell me that you haven’t spent the years since my death blaming yourself?”

“Sometimes, mostly on the anniversary, or when I was feeling particularly low.”

“I didn’t want that for you.”

“I know you didn’t, but I couldn’t help the way that I was feeling.”

I kissed him again, “we’re together now.”

I began moving on top of him, my hands resting on his chest. Tommy stroked the soft skin of my hips and thighs, and I lost myself in him, wondering how I could have survived all these years without this, without him. He rolled us so that he was on top of me, and then cradled my face between his hands, looking deep into my eyes.

“Christ, you feel so damned good! I don’t know what you are doing to me woman, but whatever it is I don’t ever want you to stop.”

He began to move inside of me, and I did my best to meet him thrust for thrust. He slid his hand down to where we were intimately joined and began to stroke the small bundle of nerves that he found there. I writhed against him, needing purchase and craving the feelings we were evoking in each other. As we grew closer and closer to orgasm our thrusts became erratic as we desperately raced towards completion. Neither of us were going to last long on this occasion but we didn’t care; I had never felt so treasured or loved.

Tommy moaned and then thrust hard, emptying himself into me, I followed him not long after. He collapsed on top of me, still sheathed in my hot, wet depths, and I welcomed his weight, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. He swept the damp hair off my forehead and then pressed a tender kiss there.

“I love you Tommy, welcome home.”


End file.
